Sally here, in a New Year, 2026. Forgive the delay in posting. My husband & podcast partner has been recovering from knee surgery, the first one. Next knee is in a two months. He’s doing well. So with being his caretaker, things are a bit slower on the diary end. But, posting things (including recording our podcast) gives me the peace I need so hopefully I’ll back to posting more regularly. Funny what joy this diary world brings to me. So for now, here’s what’s going on with precious John in the summer of 1927…….
“Their Light May Reach My Blackened Soul.”
“9:30 P.M. July 31st and August 1st, 1927
It is now nearing the close of the first day of August. I did not write this page last night as I should have. I did not feel badly or especially tired, I laid out in the yard and watched the stars and seemed somewhat content and peaceful. I just went off to sleep and when I woke it was past one o’clock and I was then too sleepy to write. I always feel better, mentally at least, when I have been to Greenwood and taken care of our little plot. Yesterday it was so hot; it seemed I could hardly give the roses all the water they will need to keep them green until I can water them again next Sunday. I gave them all the ground would hold and what has today brought? Much that is not the routine of everyday. Today the young man who broke into our safe on July 22nd was arrested and the bonds he took were nearly all recovered. Now he must be punished by man, else man drop back to the primitive days when force ousted over reason. We must not go backward because we cannot. Mr. Witt has today unknowingly brought a deep content to my heart; very strange and perhaps not human nature to react that way from his remark but I am nevertheless content. He only said to me that I was getting to be an old man. I am grateful if it is true. He who rules the universe must have his own law of time, I cannot change it, nor do I try. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:55 P.M.”
“11:55 P.M. August 2nd,
And so I am getting to be an old man; no doubt that is true and again comes the thought that life is not as it was meant to be. This evening I have been reading, tomorrow I shall perhaps be busy at something else. I felt very old when I came home today but am neither tired nor sleepy now tho it is time I should be in bed. Age brings its signs, or the weight of time shows it’s self to us all; only Sunday morning I woke up with quite a severe pain in my back directly between my shoulders. Never before in my life have I had a pain there, so perhaps I am actually weakening somewhere. I am not worried, it rather makes me happy. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:05 A.M.”
“10:50 P.M. August 3rd,
Rather tired tonight, tho I am glad that I have had some absorbing work to do that has kept my mind centered on it; just tracing over and rearranging a floor plan of a hotel which we hope to build at Gainesville. So many thoughts of life; of what I consider is right and wrong have been in my mind today. The justice we claim to give to all citizens of the United States, what a sham it is sometimes. Perhaps it is the desire of higher social powers to have it that way. They are usually able to secure their wishes but how unfair it is as man to man, or as we have been taught thru all religions that we should treat our brother. It is sometimes very hard to say just what is right but all men should obey their own conscience and they would seldom go wrong. Ignorance is sometimes excusable. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”
“10:00 P.M. August 4th,
Another evening slipped by without my filling this page. I am sorry for it. The thoughts of tonight can never be the same as those of last night; this is another evening tho the same stars and the same moon are shinning. I can only try to recall the moments as they were, that is what I’m always doing, or tying to imagine them as they should have been. It is so futile tho and only magnifies the emptiness in my heart. I am very odd. Cova and Bethine who think I do so much for them but it is so little. They try to love me so much but I do not want to be loved; I do not want to be kissed. I am so cold. Ilya toyed Skuisya. 10:10 P.M.”
“About 10 P.M. August 5th,
Intended to write this page last night after preparing for bed but went to sleep in the yard. Now it is Saturday night. Sometimes the days seem to come and go so swiftly; tomorrow is here before today passed into memories. I am glad it is so, the heat near drives me crazy and makes her little roses droop. I remember last night I was thinking much of the things men do; their accomplishments. All the best that man has ever done has been the result of his firm determination, doing that which he has set as his task and never wavering until it has been done. Some have placed their goal much higher than they have been able to complete in their lifetime and their efforts have shortened their years. When they are no longer a part of life we who remain may review their efforts and gain some inspiration from the noble spirit which they have shown us. To me I try to be always busy; I cannot centralize my efforts to any special task because her loving arms can no longer give me my earned reward; none other is sufficient; none other is sought and so I shall always be lonely; I shall always search; I shall always try; perhaps it may not be for long. I cannot fear to follow her. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 to 11:00 P.M.”
(Sally here; All I can say is WOW)
10:35 P.M. August 7th,
Sunday night the hour when one should seek rest to be better able for the duties of tomorrow. Soon I shall be sleeping out under the stars and wishing that I might be up among them. I am rather tired. The day has been very hot; had it not been for the breeze it would have been almost unbearable. The hot sun worried me a great deal; it just burns up the grass and makes her little roses wilt. I soaked them with water for nearly an hour this morning but the water will so soon dry up. I wish I could water them every evening and keep them green and pretty. Life is always hard. I wonder when I shall find that for which I am ever searching. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”
“9:50 P.m. August 8th,
Another day of August gone; a day I wish might have been different and could have been different if I had made it different. Man seals his own destiny and then gropes blindly in his own prison; the fatal errors cannot be corrected; the hours of loneliness and emptiness of life must be endured. “In the long run every man gets about what he deserves.” I shall get very little. I cannot even be as I wish to be; I cannot in the least receive the help I ask. In the sleepy hours of dreamland I find only that which brings remorse. I wake and the stars still shine brightly. I love them yet. I can only try again, but always the final effort seems not enough. Life remains to haunt me with its emptiness. I cannot seem to fill it, yet always, Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:10 P.M.”
“10:25 P.M. August 9th,
A shower here this evening about five; it is some cooler and a few clouds still floating around the moon. I wonder if it rained in Fort Worth? I hope so. I am so full of hatred tonight and I do not know why I should be. I tried to read a while but it only made me more bitter. I lay down and soon drop off to sleep; I wake and find I do not feel good and am exhausted as tho I’d been running a race. Nothing seems to in the least pacify me; I am mad at everything, tho, sorry it is so. I shall soon be asleep again and only hope that tomorrow my heart may be softer. It cannot always be so hard. Some day it will drive me crazy, that may perhaps bring my inglorious end. I cannot die nobly. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:10 P.M.”
“10:40 P.M. August 10th,
Again the evening hours are here. Soon I’ll be asleep and will wake again in the morning. I may be getting older but it is so slowly, so very slowly! Little sweetheart I wonder why I must live? I am yours always and want to rest with you, surely I have earned that. I am all alone, so far as my world is concerned and I wish that I might have it that way in reality. Just a little hole for myself; that is all I wish that is all I deserve. I am always searching for what? I do not know. I am always looking for your little face; your sincere love for me, none has ever approached it, and never will and so I only try to keep busy and be good but am so bad. I don’t’ know why I live. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2013)
Seems as though John is spiraling down further and further into the depths of grief. Thankfully I have two later diaries of his showing that he did go on and even married again. It just helps me to know that he did get through this as we all must when someone dies. I know I’m doing my best to do it……
“10:05 P.M. August 11th,
Very cool tonight, just like autumn. Autumn will soon be here and with it I wonder will the autumn of my life come? Probably not. A very hard rain this morning and I am sure it will help her little roses and the grass to stand the heat of tomorrow’s sun. I am thankful for the rain. I am sitting at my little table out in the yard and I look often toward the moon. It is nearly full now and it fills my soul with wonder and admiration. So silently it crosses the heavens, never a sound from its glowing face, never a pause in its duty performing; in it man finds the smallness of his being and a desire to know more, to do more; to realize the greatness of the universe. How wonderful it is and how little of it I understand. If in life we find not all for which we search, surely some is given to us in death. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:25 P.M.”
Sally here: All I can say is GENIUS
“10:20 P.M. August 12th,
Always with the evening hours come the thoughts of tomorrow. They should hold the desire to do our duty in life as we have made it to do our best, tho the reward may seem so little; no other way can we bring any peace or content to the soul. I find greater solace in my lone reverie under the moon or the stars if my day has been more as my conscience directs. Remorse springs only from the past. Some must bear the greater strain which the tragedies of life are ever bringing; life on the even keel of joyful living needs its lessons in the limits of human actions to bring a realization of our meager power to control life as we wish; we cannot tell what the future holds. It is not ours, only as the moments come swiftly on. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:45 P.M.”
Sally here: Again I was going to quote from two of his days but this one passage holds enough wisdom in itself to last a lifetime and then there’s this one……..
“11:10 P.M. August 13th,
Now it is Sunday evening. Last night slipped by without my filling this page. I do not remember now why; I only remember that I went to sleep under the stars; when I wake it is usually the wee hours of the morning and I am too tired to write; my thoughts are never clear enough that I may choose any worth writing. I just get up and grope my way inside and tumble into bed; it is so hard to go to bed inside; out under the stars they seem to soothe my aching heart and perhaps some of their light may reach my blackened soul and soften it a little; I only hope so. Tonight I am tired. It has been a hot day. We were at Pato. Bethine stayed and will be there until next Sunday. I hope she enjoys her visit. My only comfort tonight is that I am glad I could water her roses so well today. The grass had been cut and it looked so neat. I want to always keep it so. So soon perhaps I can no longer keep it green but only when I am resting underneath. How rotten I am and yet I live. I wonder what the stars will say tonight? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”
“9:25 P.M August 15th,
One less day of life to live; gone as so many before. How little have I to leave. If only I might find one little thing thru which I might believe that the world is a little better for my having been a part of it then some measure of content I’d feel. All the ideals of youth seem worthless; all the teachings of life seem in error; for they can bring no reward now. It can only be because they have not been lived up to because I was too weak to master the influences surrounding. Many receive only the help he gives himself; if he fails himself no God will help. Prayers should not be to seek aid but a quiet promise to live as we know we should. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:40 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2013)
First off when John says “If only I might find one little thing thru which I might believe that the world is a little better for my having been a part of it”, I can’t help but think that I wish he really knew just how much “life” he has given to this world by his words in his diary; at least given to me that is. It is a better place because of you John. Secondly I wish John also knew that for me going to God in prayer and asking him for help and his “aid’ is exactly what I think you should do. I sincerely hope John came to that realization.
“10:00 P.M. August 16th,
If I might search the face of the earth; if I might know all that is written in books and have a fair understanding of all things man knows, yet would I ever be seeking more? I shall never find the peace I want. I am silent now. I have no advice worth giving. I have no goal to reach so it matters not what I do, only that I must follow my own belief or I fail myself. Silence may be golden but I am not silent because I wish the world to think me good or great; I am silent because I am only waiting. Those who tell the most falsehoods are those who talk the most, it is not modern to be truthful. I have already talked too much so I am silent now. I am tired; I guess I shall always be tired. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:15 P.M.”
“9:45 P.M. August 17th,
A cool breeze coming from the north; a lone cricket singing nearby and my thoughts seem to turn to the winter to come. Many days yet to come before we will need the fires lighted; much of the heat of summer yet refrains to come. Why should I think of winter? I do not know. I am not in the least concerned about time that far ahead. True, that is not as life should be, but the future holds no golden reward I might seek; once it was much different, my life has changed. If our efforts today are as they should be, the future will take care of itself. We master nothing until it is ours. I have no claims on the future. I am tired. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:00 P.M.”
“10:55 P.M. August 18th,
How swiftly the evening hours seem to pass when they are busy, when I am engaged in some absorbing effort to bring about a certain result. I do not know that I shall succeed, man never does. I only know that my efforts are directed to that and I cannot say that I am either right or wrong until I have completed the thing in mind. It seems best for me that I keep my hours busy this way; it seems a relief for I come home tired in the evening but now I am somewhat rested. I am only sleepy. How I hope those lost somewhere in the Pacific may be found; such a toll of life to win a race. That must be the demands of progress. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”
He’s talking about the great “Dole Derby” air race across the Pacific Ocean where 3 planes crashed before it was finished. If you’re interested here’s a You-Tube Video that shows some of the original newsreel from 1927.
“10:10 P.M. August 19th,
Tonight again life is very hard. I do not know what has happened today to make it so. I am very nervous; and always looking, always longing for her gladdening presence, her loving hands to comfort me but I can only sit and imagine those things, they are not a part of life now. No one else can bring that peace to my heart, so I can only try to keep busy and constantly keep my mind in action. It is all I can do. I am only glad that I am a day older, that my day has been busy. I am tired because I am so dejected. I must go to bed. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:20 P.M.”
“10:15 P.M. August 20th,
Another Sat. night. They are always coming and always shall, whether I am here to record them or not. I must soon be in bed. I am glad tomorrow is Sunday. I shall be in Ft. Worth. My head does not feel right tonight; I guess it needs a rest but I shall not give, because I cannot. I must be busy. All week I have noticed little sharp pains which seem to go from place to place in my head. I hope it does not fail me first. Always I want to be alone. I wonder why? I am very odd indeed. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:25 P.M.”
“11:50 P.M. August 21st,
The quiet hours near the close of another Sunday, a Sunday so much different than of old. Now I go to water her roses and the grass on our little plot, that is my all, and I am glad that I can go. I always wonder when a Sunday will come when I cannot go. The grass needs water so badly; it is green and pretty now because I have kept it so. I could not keep my little sweetheart because I did not know how. I can keep the grass green. So much in life I do not understand, man never will. Our greatness is very small. I am tired and my head bothers me. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:00 A.M.”
“9:45 P.M. August 22nd,
Monday evening slipped by without my writing. I went to sleep very soon after eating; seemed so tired and my head bothered me a great deal. I felt very miserable and when I woke was so nervous. I could hardly lie still enough to go to sleep again. I guess I am growing old perhaps faster than I think. Life is so much different for each one of us, yet perhaps we all come finally to the great adventure where our greatness or our meager efforts are all that is left; we again are on par with each other; we are all helpless. Tonight I have felt better and have again been busy, last night I could only sleep. I was not able to even make an effort to be busy; that is exhaustion. In the early hours of this morning Sacco and Vanzetti were electrocuted at Boston. Their case had been pleaded before the highest justice of our land but for nothing. In their death perhaps society of mankind may be bettered; I do not know. It is so hard to believe that man should be privileged to take human life yet there seems no other way to bring out the good in others, only thru their realization of what their punishment for wrong doing may be. As yet no word from the seven fliers lost somewhere in the vast expanse of the Pacific. Such tragedies make us again turn to the simple life and stop and think for a moment. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:10 P.M.”
http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/saccov/saccov.htm
“10:25 P.M. August 24th,
I have just finished reading a little book, “Self Discovery” by Marden and the closing words are these, “to make the dreams come true.” I do not have the dreams of old; all my dreams as they once were have been as nearly realized as they can ever be. Now I have only “plans” to keep me busy and satisfy my own consciousness. When I have done that, I am content. True, there is much I would like to do in my plans to keep life busy but there is not now the happy anticipation that should accompany our efforts. If my plans should all come true I would find only the thought that I am perhaps a little better; a little more fit for the great adventure; a little nearer to my sweetheart. And so I only want to keep busy until I can rest always. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:35 P.M.”
“11:20 P.M. August 25th,
Time I should be in bed, but I am neither tired nor sleepy. Just wrote a letter to Ted, such a task writing letters seems. How pleasant my little dreamland was last night; again we lived the joyous days of old, shopping and at home. And the little arms held me in their dear embrace and I heard again the sweetest words I shall ever know, “I love you, Daddy,” whispered in my ear as of old. How much that means to man. Man never knows until he is no longer privileged to enjoy life so full of the goodness of living. Now it only comes in dreamland, but how precious still it seems. Soon I shall be asleep again and ask no great comfort than her little dream whisper, “I love you, Daddy.” Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”
“10:30 P.M. August 26th,
I am getting sleepy and will soon retire. The days come and go and I try to keep busy but always at this hour I go back to the days gone by. They have been mine, tomorrow may never come. Could I but only have her little dream face with me always and live again the joys and sorrows we have shared. They only come in dreamland now; they are too dear to be forgotten soon. Perhaps I am very sinful in my seeming despondency or my lonely course I’ve chosen but I do not want to forget, and try to claim some joy remaining. I am content and can only satisfy myself now. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”
“10:50 P.M. August 27th,
Some things in life man never forgets; in each there must be a lesson learned. The tragedies of life we cannot forget so it will always be with me. This the 27th of the month and the first time since the glory of living for me ceased with her death that it has come on Saturday, the day of the week as it was then. Nine months have passed; they may as well not have been for me, my life closed with hers. There only remains my being which is seen by man, all else has gone with her. Watching the stars I love tonight, one of them shot downward displaying its comet like tail. I wanted to reach out and catch it and put it back again in the heavens; it only disappeared. Even the stars I love pass beyond my realm of love. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”
“10:45 P.M. Sunday August 28th,
Always I go to Greenwood. The grass and the roses need water. I give it to them. One of her little roses will be in bloom next Sunday, the bud was almost bursting today. Shall I be there to see it? That is my final resting place. If I cannot go its beauty will be none the less. Now it blooms for her. Some day it will bloom for us together. I’ve been out in the yard watching the stars, but was so nervous and restless I could not go to sleep. Always dreaming of her because I need her guidance and love; without her I am nothing. My desires are never fulfilled, for I want only her. Her wishes were my wishes, so now I can only want her back again. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”
“10:45 P.M. Sunday August 28th,
Always I go to Greenwood. The grass and the roses need water. I give it to them. One of her little roses will be in bloom next Sunday, the bud was almost bursting today. Shall I be there to see it? That is my final resting place. If I cannot go its beauty will be none the less. Now it blooms for her. Some day it will bloom for us together. I’ve been out in the yard watching the stars, but was so nervous and restless I could not go to sleep. Always dreaming of her because I need her guidance and love; without her I am nothing. My desires are never fulfilled, for I want only her. Her wishes were my wishes, so now I can only want her back again. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”
“12:20 P.M. Monday August 29th,
It is getting late. Have been at the office helping complete our estimate on the Telephone building. Bids go in tomorrow. May the low man win. I am neither tired nor sleepy but miss all that she can no longer give me now. Man becomes a very discordant note in the song of life without woman and his powers dwindle to their lowest ebb. With her much might be done, alone I only grope blindly in the mass of my own desires and find nothing that brings relief; there seems no solution so I want to go where she has gone. Death may hold much, or it may hold only the great silence of the ages; yet to me it seems very sweet and dear because she is a part of it, there I belong. I must try to sleep. Ilya toyed skuisya.12:35 P.M.”
(Sally here; again, another one of his entries that stands on its own. Amazing)
“10:35 P.M. August 30th,
Has been so hot today and is now. I’ve been lying out in the yard trying to go to sleep, but the mosquitoes bother so and I am so restless. If I could only find something to do that would make me utterly exhausted, I might sleep; as it is I am to strong; too much that I can hardly control. I only try but usually am not the victor. There can be no glory in living for me, because none remains to find. I can no longer be satisfied. I should die. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”
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