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“11:00 P.M. June 2nd, 1927
As the days go by I like to think of myself as being a great deal better than the day before and that the good in me is a little stronger and yet under it all there still clings the demands of the physical being. They are given to us that there may be a continuity of life. To me they are useless because I have failed. To my little sweetheart they are divine because she gave her life in the noble effort to make life what it was meant to be. To me now I have only the taint of the sinner and nothing to lighten the soul. I can only be judge of myself because I live only to satisfy my own strange beliefs. If I appear to be lonely it is only because I wish to be. Perhaps it is best. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”
“10:40 P.M. June 3rd,
No matter how strong we may think our power to be, it does not always accomplish that which we desire; there is some force entirely beyond our control and we are aware of it. Yet we are unable to direct it as we wish. I do a great many things that seem all of the good and I am satisfied and then some things are done which I do not like to do so I am going backward. When life is turned entirely opposite from what life was meant to be we find our weakness. Perhaps I am responsible for it being so. I can blame no one else. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2012)
(I must say this about John’s June 3rd post when he says, “When life is turned entirely opposite from what life was meant to be we find our weakness.” He just amazes me with his thoughts. I would add to that by saying, “When life is turned entirely opposite from what
we thought life was meant to be we find our weakness and our strength.”)
“11:00 P.M. June 4th,
Sat night. There seems to be so many of them. I’d much rather they would end for me but I do not end them of my own accord. I have written that I do not believe suicide destroys the salvation of the soul but it is an admission to the world that one is too weak to bear the burdens placed upon them and I do not want to leave only that as my remembrance. No matter what station we may hold in life one must be true to their own urge, or belief. Tomorrow I shall have two feelings of accomplishment but the greater content for me will be in caring for our little plot; to water her little roses; because that in some way may make me a little better. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”
“12:05 P.M. June 5th,
At Jim’s today and at Greenwood. It made me glad to care for her little roses because I love to do that. No matter how hard life is to live, how bad I may be sometimes, always when I am near that little plot it seems I am so much closer to God and to her. Life to me now is only to keep it busy and as good as I can and wait until I can rest beside her always. There was so much in life while she was here that was worth far more to me than anything life can give to me now and so I care not for what it seems to promise. I’d rather be sure of some place in the great unknown where my little sweetheart is now. Riches mean so little in life now. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:20 P.M.”
“10:05 P.M. June 6th,
This is written the evening of the 7th. Came home yesterday feeling tired. Was up late the night before and I took a nap shortly after supper time; woke at 9:30 and felt so miserable I could not write last night. Rested very well and felt better in the morning. Have thought a great deal of the little boat which I left with Jim which is a very crude model of an idea which I’ve had in mind many years but only recently conceived a working principle. I rather fear it will prove as foolish as some other things I have made and done. I would only like for it to be of some value to humanity now; I do not seek any glorification for myself, only the thought that if she were here it would make her proud of me and she would love me the more is all the urge I have to make it a success. Any wealth it might bring would not bring happiness to me only that through it I might help those living who are dear to me and to her. Wealth for myself would only make me a greater sinner and I do not want to be that. Tonight I’ve been reading Hudson’s Psychic Phenomena which is a very fine study of all the powers and frailties of the human mind. As much of God and religion and present day Christianity as I seem so bitter against, and cannot place a faith therein, I’d like to, yet it is gratifying to note Hudson’s admissions and declarations of some power beyond the realm of man. Some day I shall be closer to all. Life yet remains the problem. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:35 P.M.”
“11:30 P.M. June 8th,
Finished reading Hudson’s “Law and Psychic Phenomena” and I’m wondering if it has benefited me a great deal? Perhaps it has strengthened the conviction I have had since my little sweetheart passed to the great beyond that God is not responsible for the joys and sorrows of life on earth; as I have written many times before, life is just what we have made it. I do not deny the existence of a divine being and I am only anxious to be privileged to know more of that which man in his earthly state can never know. I cannot look at the stars and the heavens without the deepest faith of a divinity entirely beyond the comprehension of mere man. I hope I am not such a great unbeliever. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”
“10:30 P.M. June 9th,
Have been feeling entirely too good the last few days and I do not like it; I’d much rather feel the damage of age and think that life’s golden days will soon be changed to the ever lasting rest. I only want life to continue until all my earthly debts are squared then perhaps I shall be free to go. I do not belong here anymore, for no earthly reward is desired. The realization of all earthly ambitions and hopes as they once were could not bring content to my soul. Life’s greatest gift no longer remains a part of life and so I long to be a part of the great beyond which is my just due. The little hands may beckon but I am unable to reach them. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”
“10:35 P.M. June 10th,
Man has not yet reached the height of his greatest powers on earth because there is so much that man does not know. It is necessary that the greater part of life must be founded on faith else we accomplish nothing. We cannot build the magnificent structures, the great bridges, etc., without faith in our ability to do so. The greatest faith I have is in my little sweetheart and in my own urge to do that which will bring me closer to her as the days go by. I try to build my own throne, yet it often totters under me and I need her help, so long as memory remains she will give me aid. May it never go. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:55 P.M.”
“11:05 P.M. June 11th,
Another Sat night. I seem unable to stop their coming. They are all alike. There seems nothing left in life to make it dear and to inspire the deeds of kindness of sacrifice and tender loving devotion. I only remain the harsh, hard victim of circumstances which I have built about myself. I blame no one. I trust no one. I am antagonistic to all mankind. I ask for nothing and I give nothing. The teachings I have believed and endeavored to follow have brought me only sorrow, so now I am my own teacher; if I fail myself there is none to blame. I have only her remembrances to guide me. It is very dear. Why I must continue the struggles I do not know. I shall love her always. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”
“10:55 P.M. June 12th,
Sunday will soon be gone. It has been very warm today; I do not like it because it is so hard for her little roses to stand the heat when I can only water them once a week. One was in bloom today; just one little rose for her and it was so beautiful. A prettier rose has never bloomed. I only wish I might be close beside that little rose bush always. Life goes on and it will become so different from what it should be. There seems no hope for me. I shall sink lower than man has ever gone before yet now I feel so much above what man considers the depths of sin. Today I am, tomorrow I am not. The moon shines and it has circles around it. Bethine says God made it that way; such simple faith is a gift from Heaven. I seem so despondent tonight. I wish my heart might be tender enough to make me cry. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2012)
It’s so interesting when John says “Life goes on and it will become so different from what it should be.” I was driving in town the other day and heard Christmas music on the radio. It took me way back to when I was growing up as a child and it was one of the few times I found great happiness. My mom would play all the old great Christmas songs; Bing Crosby, Andy Williams, etc. So I grew up playing those songs for my children and husband. So when I heard my first Christmas song this year it brought such memories back. But, I was again reminded that those times are no more. I was so content with my husband and experienced such peace, such comfort, such happiness. Again when John says “Life goes on and it will become so different from what it should be,” I agree with him wholeheartedly. I have been happy at times since my husband died, I have laughed, I’ve had joy, I’ve dreamed of the future but, it’s a difference that I would never choose; ever.
“10:10 P.M. June 13th,
It has rained a good deal today. Such a wonderful blessing and for the rain I am glad and can only thank God. But in the rain this morning the lightening killed a boy of some 18 summers at the Buckner Orphans Home; the children were preparing a grave for one of their members, a girl of 16 who died last week, when the lightening struck the grave and took its toll. That is indeed a mystery of life; we endeavor to explain its cause but find no answer. I lied down soon after super this evening and the peaceful patter of the rain drops soon made me fall asleep I awake and it is 9:15 and the rain has stopped tho the clouds still linger. Asleep, I am at peace with the world and greatly content; I wake and there seems a strange something about me which I seek to find to see and cannot. It is just a feeling of anticipation for something wonderful to happen that will be the culmination of all life’s activity; nothing immediately seems to occur so I must again seek action. We believe that man is judged by the sins he commits and his righteousness is gained in curbing the evil intentions or thoughts. I wonder if that is true? Sometimes it does not seem enough to me. I hope it may help. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:35 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2012)
I could say so much about this passage. His entries on the rain are very close to my heart. Here in Oregon it rains a lot and I live in a 1910 bungalow that has a metal roof so I can hear the rain very well; especially at night. My husband and I use to love lying in bed and listen to the rain. In fact when it wasn’t raining we’d put on our “rain cd”; that’s how much we loved it. Now the sound of the rain makes me lonely.
On another note his entry about the young man being struck by lightening is incredible. How it happened is like something out of a movie. I looked up the orphanage and even though this photo on the following web site was taken about 16 years earlier, it still gives you a great idea of what this orphanage looked like. It’s a fabulous shot showing the buildings and grounds.)
https://www.loc.gov/pictures/resource/pan.6a26565/
“10:25 P.M. June 14th, 1927
Another cool and rainy day. How green and pretty the showers will make all nature look. Last night I wrote that curbing the evil intentions did not seem enough for man to do and tonight I noticed a quotation of Pres. Coolidge which seems to be an answer to my doubt; it is as follows; “Little progress can be made by merely attempting to repress what is evil; our great hope lies in the development of what is good.” My efforts seem to be centered in attempting to repress what I consider the evil in me-that is my first problem before there can be any great development of the good, tho I believe if either is conquered the other will naturally rule; in other words, the good and evil in man are merely foes and one must be the victor. That is merely the battle of life. Life, in its many changes, brings new things, new thoughts and greater problems which only one can answer for oneself; if what we have been taught is true of life, and does not prove itself in life; we seek an answer elsewhere, and often err in our conclusions. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”
“10:45 P.M. June 15th, 1927
As long as the hours are busy I am content; that must be the secret of life, at least it seems to hold the only salvation for me. I am busy working on my little car; I know that when I have corrected the effects of time and friction on it’s mechanism that it will run more smoothly and do better what I want it to do. I like to tinker with such mechanical things because they are within my power to make them do as I wish; if they refuse to do my bidding then they are ill and I find their sickness. Life is so vastly different. We are aware of the ailment but we know not where to search for the care. Our inability to find the cure is because God has never made two humans just alike; the mind is always different. I want to be with my little sweetheart, no one can ever be like her. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”
“11:05 P.M. June 16th,
Cool and pleasant for June in Texas. A great deal of life ahead but an aching heart that will never heal. It seems to matter little whether I am what man considers a success in life; I have no wish to become a spoke in the wheel of prominence. I seek only an answer to the problem of eternal peace. Death brings the answer and I want to die; only cowardice checks the trigger finger. I’d like to find the answer in living and so in some way help humanity but I seem destined to failure. Mans greatest discoveries and scientific efforts are only the result of accidental and experimental trials. We see the errors of the past, we correct them in the present and we ask God for better things to come. The future holds desire, the past remembrance. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:25 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2013)
I totally understand when John says “As long as the hours are busy I am content; that must be the secret of life, at least it seems to hold the only salvation for me.” In fact I tell that to the children all the time when I visit them in the jails. For the last 13 years I have volunteered as Chaplin for the Yamhill County Juvenile Facility here in McMinnville Oregon. I tell the kids all the time when it comes to their addictions and troubles; “You have to find something you are interested in, something that inspires you, something to keep you busy.” Because when there is a void caused by having to quit your drug habit, needing to escape a bad situation at home, or a traumatic memory from the past, or facing the death of a loved one, etc., to fill one’s life with what you love doing is such an incredible help. It gives you self confidence, strength to go on and makes you feel worthy again. It has been a God send for me. (2025: I wanted to add that I was blessed to be able to work in the jail, the Juvenile Facility, for about 20 years. Some of the most rewarding years of my life.)
“10:40 P.M. June 17th,
I am tired; have been working on my car and it is a little more strenuous than I am use to doing. I don’t see why I have to get tired or want to sleep. I’d just like to keep on working at something until I can do no more; then I could just lie down and rest forever. I am restless and nervous and a more ugly disposition than I am building of myself cannot be imagined. I do not want satisfaction in life. I want to find what may come when life ends. Of it I surely may find the everlasting quiet and peace which my little sweetheart is now a part. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:50 P.M.”
“11:15 P.M. June 18th,
Saturday night. Such longing as they always bring. I’ve been lying out in the yard for an hour or so just looking at the stars and giving them my thoughts. The stars are so bright tonight. The sky so clear and the quietude of night so impressive. If worshiping the stars might be worshiping God then I am a very great believer; they are all that is left in life that I reverence; it is because I know not what they are, some day perhaps I shall know. It is very hard to believe that there are stars. We see them and not believe that some power of which we have no knowledge is responsible for them. We grope in the dark for an answer but find only a realization of our meager and ignorant place on earth. Man’s imagination develops theories which satisfy himself but he has yet to find a true answer. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”
“11:50 P.M. June 19th,
Sunday is almost gone. How it makes my heart ache to see her little roses needing water and I can only give it to them once a week. I wonder who will take care of them when I am given the privilege to be near her again forever. No one, I guess. Life is very hard but it is only my just due. I do not know how to adjust it as it must be lived, only then my council with the stars, if they may guide it as it should be, then I shall be glad. So much in life we do not appreciate until we are no longer have the privilege to enjoy its beauty. I can only say I have tried to be what God meant for me, but now that I have failed him I cannot ask His favor. Oh! How I love my little sweetheart. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:05 A.M.”
“10:15 P.M. June 20th,
I am tired and sleepy so I must be in bed soon. We are seldom satisfied with life, else there would be no cause for impatience, restlessness and fear of what the future holds. To me, I seek not in life what others seek for all my desires are no longer a part of life so I am not fearful of the future. I am impatient and restless because I cannot understand why I am not privilege to become a part of the great unknown where my little sweetheart is. Death is so little to ask of God but it is not given unto me so I am doubtful of God. I can only have faith in my little sweetheart and the stars I love so well. So much of humanity does not understand life as it should be lived. No one has ever known it better than she who was my pal; no one can ever interpret it so simply and so sweetly. Her reward must be great. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:25 P.M.”
“10:35 P.M. June 21st,
Man cannot account for his being; nor his abilities and so in his moments of meditation he searches for an answer. I do not know who first thought of a divine ruler who controls the universe or who established the belief of a reward to be gained in Heaven. Christ did much beyond human powers and so we endeavor to follow his teachings. We say that our life on earth is the test of our fitness to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The God whom we worship should hold only sympathy for His subjects in their efforts to learn; yet He does not give us absolute proof of any reward after death, the reward has been evolved in the mind of man. If God held the great sympathy toward man He should manifest His powers over us in ways to leave no doubt in the mind as to the purpose of life. We search, but seldom find that which we seek. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”
“11:15 P.M. June 22nd,
I suppose I should be in bed. I am sleepy. I do not want to go to bed; I do not want to do anything except work. Just to keep busy seems the only desire I have in life. I am getting to be an old cross, grouchy fool. I do not seek to be able to prevent it. I constantly fight the instincts of man; to fight one sometimes can not fight without that crabby disposition. It is beyond the power of anyone living to change it. She whose slightest touch would glorify life for me is gone and so I want to go. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2013)
I feel like I’m so cross and grouchy too and here it’s been 4 years since my husband died. Just a month ago my step-mother fell and broke her hip and had to be placed in the hospital. My step-father, her husband, died over a year ago and they were so much in love. While in the hospital she felt like giving up, says no one knew it but she had gotten so depressed and missed him more then she could say. Being a widow myself, there are three things I always pray about and now more then ever because these things would not be easy at all (to say the least) to handle without my husband: My health, my finances and my children’s well being and health. I knew exactly what my step-mother meant when she said she wanted to give up while laying there in the hospital bed. However, she didn’t give up and is doing so much better. And, I can happily say, neither will I and neither did John.
(Written by me today, 2025. My step-mother passed away last year but lived well and happy for the next 12 years)
“11:50 P.M. June 23rd,
Such a quiet and peaceful night; not too hot, no breeze; no clouds, only the bright twinkle of the stars and there are many thousands of them. I love them all. They are so far above us and so mystifying. We see them but we do not know what they are nor how they stay in the heavens. Surely the great ruler of the universe must be all powerful. If we are to learn of it all when life ceases here then we must do something very fine indeed to merit his consideration. I’m so impatient. I want to be on the way. To go somewhere, but where; I can only think of her so I must want to die. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:00 Midnight.”
“10:55 P.M. June 24th,
Another wonderful night with the heavens so beautiful. Have been trying to locate the “Pons-Winnecke” comet which scientists say is nearing the earth, but could not do so. Perhaps it is not visible to the naked eye. It does not interest me a great deal; I’d rather just look at the stars. The fact that man can tell just when it is to be near us is a great accomplishment and shows that man is at least anxious to learn more of all the great universe. So much of it is beyond my comprehension. I sit and think of her whom I loved so well and who meant so much in life to me. I cannot change the years gone by and sometimes the sudden thought that she has been lost to me forever startles me and my heart beats faster. My only salvation seems to be in keeping constantly in action else I’ll lose all control of life remaining. Some day I shall be happy again. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2013)
When John says, “the sudden thought that she has been lost to me forever startles me and my heart beats faster” made me think about a situation that happened this week. I was in a coffee shop and an acquaintance came in that I hadn’t see for quite some time. She was with another woman who I had never met in person but she knew of me. When we were introduced she said, “I’ve never met you in person Sally but knew of you through the church. Then I had heard that your husband was killed.” Boy did that through me back. I felt just like John. Even though it’s been 4 years, when I hear “your husband had been killed” it (as John says) “startled me and my heart started beating faster.” I acted totally normal and but inside I was a bit panicked. Those words will always be so hard to hear especially when you’re least expecting it.
“11:00 P.M. June 25th,
Sat. night with the day of rest to follow. Sometimes I wonder if we might not have missed a day somewhere and do not have a true count of time. Days are all the same. That which controls the universe does not stop for a day of rest on the Sabbath. Constant motion is necessary among the spheres and the earth, else then would not remain as they are. Last night my closing line was “Some day I shall be happy again.” I cannot recall what thought prompted this writing. It is so hard to define happiness. It means so little to me. I seek it not on earth because the earth no longer holds it. So it must have been the ever present desire to go where my little sweetheart rests. I am very restless tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”
“About 11:00 P.M. June 26th, (1st and only short entry in his diary)With the little stars as my only light, to them I can give all my thoughts I send my love eternal. I seem like an old, old man tonight yet life may not be near its close. I am so impatient. Ilya toyed skuisya.”
“10:35 P.M. June 27th,
I’ve just been reading some of the pages I have written and I realized how futile my intentions to always write the truth have been. To follow the longing in my heart for my little sweetheart and trace it to its true origin does not require any scientific knowledge of life. It is merely the loss of my mate. A mate is only one of the opposite sex so the sexual companionship must be the governing instinct. Seven months ago today she gave her life in an effort to bring another into the world. I worship her still and if my convictions survive the demands of man’s physical being I shall be with her again ere long. I worship her still! Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”
“10:10 P.M. June 28th,
I cannot write much tonight. I am sleepy and tired and I have a severe headache. My mind is not clear enough to describe any dominating thoughts or something that might be good. A little glass of wine and it only adds to the confusion in my brain. A last short glance at the stars and a wish that I might be sailing near them in the heavens. I wonder just what I should do in life to bring my little sweetheart back again? Life is so hard to bear, yet I can blame only myself. So much I have failed her and now there is no way to make amends. I am lost but I love her still. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”
“10:10 P.M. June 29th,
A thunder shower this evening; a terrific crash of lightening which struck a barn at the Catholic Orphanage nearby and set fire to it. So close the shock seemed as if I could feel it but it did not seem to frighten me. Outwardly at least I showed no sign; it only made my heart beat faster. Now all is quiet and cool and the stars are shining brightly. How strange is the working of the human mind; it is constantly seeking that which satisfies itself, or building an action necessary to the physical being; something that may perpetrate our being and our belief. Christ laid down the highest ideals of mankind and the proper continuity of our social existence, but his teachings are not sufficiently strong today to bring a realization of their truth. I cannot help but believe his miracles are only an imagination of the mind of man. I may be wrong. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”
(Written by me in 2013)
I know exactly how John feels at this moment as I felt so confused and sometimes still do. But I must say that no matter how confusing my mind seemed (and seems) sometimes and no matter how low my health and emotions were (and still are at times), my faith and spirit has never been stronger. God showed me so many miracles when my husband died (and still does) and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were not my imagination. There are times when I say aloud; “Lord, although it has not been good for me, if it was good for you, brought glory to you and brought people to you then I will accept that.”)
“11:05 P.M. June 30th,
And now June will soon be gone; much happiness it has, no doubt, brought too many, and sorrow and tragedy to others. To me it has only been time and I am glad that it is gone. It will never have to be lived again. Another June may come for me, but it does not matter. The many that may come will not be as I would want them in life so perhaps my soul, if soul I have, would rest more peacefully if given the eternal quietude. Haeckel in his “Riddle of the Universe” gives much scientific data and great confusing phrases to prove that man has descended from the monkeys and in the long distant past was not even the equal of a worm. It is to laugh, what nonsense to search for what we have been, what we are, is more important. All their data does not give proof of what was first in the world, or from whence it came. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”
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