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“10:30 P.M. April 1^st,

Have been feeling bad since I came from work and I must be in bed soon. Some physical disorders somewhere of course; perhaps brought on by the endless search for something to keep my mind busy. Life is indeed very odd. Study it deeply and the force that controls it only grows more complex. The only things in life that we leave for the world to remember is what we had done, and not what we have dreamed of doing. I shall leave very little but I hope that I have been judged as possessing a little more of the good in man than the evil. The greatest fault of mine, to me, seems cowardice, as I have mentioned before, and it hurts my very soul. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

He is so profound….. “The only things in life that we leave for the world to remember is what we had done and not what we have dreamed of doing.” Time for us all to start doing those things we dream of wouldn’t you say…

“11:10 P.M. April 2^nd,

How life changes. What next I wonder is in store for me. Saturday nights! How they most of all seem to change. I wonder just where in my life the coming of Saturday night brought the first realization of a special significance to it? Some day I shall try to recall. And what a wonderful account of life could be given if one had a diary of Saturday evening plans and thoughts of the day of rest to come on the morrow. Even to me on this Sat. night devoid of the joy of life and the inspiration for it to continue, I am planning what I shall do tomorrow. There is no desire to do anything else. When I have been to Greenwood and left my little remembrances, Sunday will have passed. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

“11:10 P.M. April 3^rd,

I am tired. Today has been very warm, almost like summer. Pat and Ray were here today and I am glad they came. My drive to Ft. Worth was by myself today. The little roses left for her today will be so wilted by next Sunday. I wish that they might stay fresh forever. I’ll have some little bushes for her by next Sunday and some day they will bloom and be so pretty. I wonder shall I live to see them burst forth in their beauty all for her? Could I but only touch those little hands tonight and kiss those little finger tips that have done so much for me and would have done so much in her lovely mother’s care. That would be more joy than life has held before. Now I lay me down to sleep…Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

“10:10 P.M. April 4^th,

April showers and April thunder. Warmer days and longer and spring is here again. I am tired and must go to bed soon. How I wish that I might rest well. If man could only turn back life to a year ago; how sweet it all might be. Little thunderstorms as this tonight would bring a great content to me for my little sweetheart would to me cling tight and in my arms feel more secure from the wrath of the elements which vent their fury with such suddenness. Man can find no greater happiness than his efforts to protect a loving mate. An Easter greeting from Mildred today, her chum of school girl days. How life changes in the few short years we live. Little dream girl, may I see you tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:25 P.M.”

“11:10 P.M. April 5^th,

So many thoughts come crowding in sometimes it is difficult to put any of them together with any degree of accuracy. I have been studying psychology again; the forming habits, the tests of memory, etc. It is all only a sort of amusement or effort to keep the mind busy. This is an essential of life, so it must continue. To me life means nothing but rather how it is lived. Why I have habits is not of great consequence, my ability to judge where they are good or bad is of more importance and that is not hard. A face is an open book to me it seems and I sometimes study my own, half of it is very good and half is very bad, some day it will be all alike. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

I’ve been thinking about how John talks about wanting to see his wife in his dreams at night. That is such a sweet and sour situation for me. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I consider myself happy but I know I’ll never be as happy as when my husband was with me. I have come to terms with that fact and I’m ok about it. My point was proven when I dreamt about my husband the other night which I don’t often do anymore. When his death first happened 3 ½ years ago I would dream about him constantly and they were some of the most profound and meaningful dreams I’ve ever had. But lately I don’t dream about him and I know why. I believe it’s a protection mechanism or something like that; at least it is for me.

It was a very simple dream where he and I were holding hands and traveling somewhere together. Because the dream seemed so real, when I awoke I realized what it felt like to have him in my life again and also what my life feels like without him. I never will forget him, I think of him every minute of every day, but to be reminded of how it felt to have him near is so difficult. The human mind, heart, spirit and soul is such an amazing thing and I believe only God could have orchestrated it all so beautifully by creating me, by creating us. So I turn once again to Him, God, who has given me life. One day I’ll not only have that feeling of my husband beside me, he actually will be beside me and he will never go away; it is God’s promise.

“11:10 P.M. April 6^th,

This has been a very hard day indeed. All day my mind has been going over the past, at evening it brings only a headache and tired, weary feet homeward bound. Some day I shall rest, when life is gone. Christ’s teachings are very puzzling. Bruce Barton has tried to modernize them by comparing the problems he solved so easily with what man does today. That is all very good and will help some people perhaps. What would help a great deal more is for someone in this day and time to give the answers to the problems of life today with the simplicity of Christ. Such a man does not exist. The age in which we live is greatly different so there must be different problems. Let us hope that some day such a man may live. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:35 P.M.”

“11:00 P.M. April 7^th,

Life is a great battle yet never won. I am perhaps a great deal weaker both physically and mentally and the tragedy of it is I know why. Sometimes I think it is a great blessing that my baby was never born, yet I cannot believe that any God is just who has taken her life, coming to the beauty of life’s greatest purpose, as it was. That is not as the teachings of Christ but I cannot make myself bow to such justice. Either I must die or she must come back to me. I guess I must be going crazy and have yet greater suffering to endure. To me life now is only the same battle, I shall call it between psychology and Christ, he who reads this will not know what I have in mind as the outcome of the victor, but I know. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”

“11:10 P.M. April 8^th,

I seem to have been less troubled today. So many things of which I would like to write and when evening comes and I am alone they are all forgotten. It was warm this evening when I got home, pulled off my coat and vest and unintentionally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought how old I looked. I guess I shall just wither up and blow away. Man, if he could be stripped of all teachings, all customs, all laws which he has made, would have remaining the little which God has given him and he would be no higher perhaps than other living creatures. From there he must find his purpose in life and to what great heights he has attained and yet sinks back to the level of all creatures. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

Boy don’t I feel (and look) much older too since my husband died. Two straight years of crying every day (and more) really takes a toll on the body. The other thing about ageing with a mate that loves you unconditionally (like my husband did) is that they love you no matter how old you get or how old you look. I miss that about Kevin, my husband. I’ve learned so much about this thing called grief and many of those things I sure don’t like. But, one of the things I have learned about myself that I never knew is that I can and will survive it, it didn’t beat me, I’m beating it and my husband would be proud.

“10:45 P.M. April 9^th,

Saturday night again. Will they always come? They are always welcome for the morrow holds much that is dear to life; as life is meant to be. How many thousands of different ways it will be spent in the efforts of humanity to find pleasure, or peace, and it is only meant as a day of rest. I have felt a great deal at peace with the world this evening but by all rules of health which man knows I should be feeling badly. No greater peace can ever touch my soul, if soul I have anymore, than to sit and watch the stars and wonder of the great magnitude of the universe. What an infinitesimal part of it man holds and so little does man know. The day of rest and it must ever come. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”

“8:40 P.M. April 10^th,

This is written on Monday evening. Was too nearly exhausted last night and went directly to bed as we did not get home until 12:30. I took my sister and niece to Greenwood; had not taken them before. I always like to go alone. Could I but only always be alone I might in some way find the faith in God which has been such a precious gift to humanity as long as man has existed. Can I but keep the vows I’ve made I’ll some day do great things. I know, just as I always wanted to do for her and failed, so now whatever I do must be for humanity. It cannot be for myself. Of the great things of this world, I do not seek. What I desire no longer remains a part of this world. Ilya toyed skuisya. 8:55 P.M.”

“9:50 P.M. April 11^th,

Not so very late but I must be in bed soon. I’ve been wondering of life again this evening because I learned yesterday that Ted was operated on Saturday for a tumor of the womb, I believe Pat said, and also that one of the Manning boys had lost a tiny baby and his wife was seriously ill from the same cause that took my little sweetheart away. How such things make my heartache and how near I seem sometimes losing complete control of myself. I just want to get up and kick something or destroy something, anything to release the pent up emotions which surge within me. But I never do those things. It is not of the good in man to be that way but I cannot help it so I will only write the truth, whatever it may be. Oh little dream girl, how you could bring me peace. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:05 P.M.”

“10:20 P.M. April 12^th,

Of all the wonderful things man does, he has yet much to do. In the imagination of man he builds a great deal of the impossible and is able to effect a certain visualization of it thru his writings or thru that which he builds. But he cannot create a thing of perfection or that which shall remain forever because man does not create he only takes that which God has given and molds it into a thing to please his fancy. I read psychology to keep my mind busy and learn what other men do in life, but I do not like it because it destroys the beauty of life, in that it endeavors to make man a machine controlled by certain motives which they attempt to define. I think of God and how He can manifest himself to me and I become bitter because I do not think He has been just to her. Life can never be fathomed. Ilya ttoyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

“11:05 P.M. April 13^th,

The quiet hours of the night, how silently they slip by to him who sleeps. To a great many humans they are the hours of revelry unloosened in its search for pleasure. To the watchmen of another’s portion of earthly things each hour may bring the test of his loyalty to duty. To the prowlers who siege that which they have no right to take it, is the opportunity to apply their trade and execute the evil intentions of their being. To me, some hours are peaceful because I sleep and others are a burden because I know not what to do with them. The peaceful patter of the rain drops falling just now make me long for sleep; perhaps it will come. The flashes of lightening and the thunder rumbling in the distance make me wonder of the marvels of this old world, and of the force which controls it. Some day man may understand a great deal more of it but I am rather doubtful. Peace! Will it ever be mine? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

His last entry about the rain drops made me think of my husband. We lived (and I still do) in an old 1910 bungalow which has a wonderful tin roof. When ever it rains here in Oregon (which is a lot), we would love to lie in bed at night and listen to the drops on the tin roof. In fact we loved it so much that we bought a recorded CD with the sounds of a rain storm and also the sound of thunder in the distance and we would play it when it wasn’t raining outside. ……Now I don’t like the sound of the rain so much anymore, it makes me lonely.

“11:15 P.M. April 14^th,

To what strange things does the mind turn to seek relief from a constant strain which it cannot overcome. Perhaps it is only an indication of the mind becoming weaker and the soul becoming stronger. Tonight I have been drawing crazy little lines and circles and thinking of a perpetual motion device, how foolish I am. Many men have gone crazy in their efforts toward this and so perhaps I am crazy already. I am not superstitious nor do I believe in attaching any special significance to certain dates or acts, and yet I shall expect something to occur next Monday, the 18^th; what it will be I do not know. A day I can never forget, not because of what it has brought to me, but rather because of what it has denied me. Dear little sweetheart, I cannot believe you are gone. Oh! How I would rather die! Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:35 P.M.”

“10:30 P.M. April 15^th,

Life, the highest impulse of man is to fight for it and preserve it and in doing this we are only doing the good for if there is to be a continuity of life we must preserve that which we are given. But to me tonight, and for many nights gone by, that impulse does not exist within me and I want to die because death holds all that of life which is my part for I have lived and loved. Life is beautiful and all nature is a gift from Him to bring forth and preserve the good in man. To me in life, love has been served, no greater gift can man be given. To me now life, by natures will, holds only a fight against nature and so perhaps I shall lose, and yet may I not gain? He who rules the universe must answer that, I cannot fear His answer. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

I want to reiterate that even though it might seem like a long time to us as readers, (as several days of ours, is to one or two of John’s days), his grief is still so new. His wife and baby have only been gone from him for less then 5 months as they died on November 27^th, 1926; which brings me to my next comment. I’ve been studying a diary from 1898 written by a widow who is 81 years old. Her husband passed away 3 years since in 1895. I was shocked as I read this diary that on May 20^th, she herself passes away. The very next entry in the diary, May 21^st, is made by her daughter who takes her mother’s journal and finishes writing in it. It is such a heart wrenching journal especially to see how much this daughter loved her mother and also reading about the grief the daughter experiences. Nine days after her mother dies, the daughter writes the following…..

“May 29^th, 1898

……It is lonesome coming home with no one sitting by the window watching for me and as the days go by I shall miss my mother more and more…..Lib came up and staid the evening but the nights are so lonesome. It seems as though I will never be reconciled to live without my mother. When I am called to go I hope and think I will be ready. I begin to realize how lonely my mother has been since father died.”

Grief does not stop; we just learn to live with it. But one day…..Revelations 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Now back to John’s entries….

“11:35 P.M. April 16^th,

At Jim’s tonight. So many nights I’ve stayed with them cause I like to be here and because it is near where my little sweetheart was. How I tried to do what I could for her and failed; and how each night I asked God to help her and give her the greatest gift a woman knows and to let her feel the love which was so good in her. All this I asked and now I am all that is left. If I should pray tonight what could I ask? Only for death, that is so little and yet it brings me naught to pray for that. Coming home from Pat’s this evening I ran over a little white dog, could not help it and I was driving slow too but it made me cry tho I do not think I killed it. I’d rather be hit myself than to have hurt the little dog. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:30 P.M.”

“11:25 P.M. April 17^th,

I am very tired tonight and feel rather strange. At Jim’s and Lorene’s for dinner today and enjoyed the day very much. Played golf this morning with the boys and of course it made me tired. I hope I may rest well. And today has been Easter Sunday so glad that I could tidy up the little plot at Greenwood. The roses are growing and I took her a lily. I wish that I lived in Ft. Worth so that I might go to Greenwood oftener and water all the flowers. If I could only believe all the bible tells us of the life to come in the great beyond. It seems I can never conquer the doubt that exists. I must be a terrible devil some way to be as I am. Dear little sweetheart, come back to me! Ilya toyed skuisya 11:35 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

My journey from which I just returned (The Titanic 100 year Memorial Cruise) brought out so much emotion for me, and a great deal had to do with me being a widow. I will share more and more as these blogs go on but one of the most profound moments was while I was at the Halifax Nova Scotia cemetery. We had the chance to tour Halifax as it is rich in Titanic history mainly because many of the bodies were taken there to be buried. As our guide was telling the stories of some of the victims, one in particular stood out. It was about a mother, Alma Paulson, of whom many of the surviving witnesses saw standing on the deck of the ship just before it went down. She was heading to New York City to reunite with her husband but because of high transportation costs, she booked passage in 3^rd class. When the ship began to flounder, she made her way to the lifeboat deck the best she could but once there all of the lifeboats were gone. On deck with the ship about to sink and with four frightened children hanging to her skirt, she played the harmonica in an attempt to sooth them the best she could. All would drown in the frigid water of the North Atlantic and sadly the children’s bodies were never recovered. Alma’s body was recovered with the harmonica still in her pocket. As I heard that story I nearly lost it thinking of my own 4 precious children and had to turn away. Then the guide ended it with saying that her husband, like many others, had rushed to the shipping office there in New York and upon hearing of the death of his wife and children he collapsed in grief sobbing on the floor. That sent me over the edge and was too much for me. The tears began to flow as I also recalled the moment I heard of my husband’s death while in the “waiting room” at the hospital. I too collapsed in a heap on the floor thinking I will never get up again….And now I am here returning from one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had, back to writing about John and his grief. Such a small world we live in and share….

“10:00 P.M. April 18^th,

Not late but I will be in bed soon; perhaps the showers will put me to sleep. Oh! God! Why can’t I sleep forever? This day might have meant so much in life and now it means so little, only tears and I cannot keep them back. And why should I cry? Is not their a great reward promised us in death? I like to dream of it and wait; that seems all I can do. My life must be as hers has been; through her must my reward be given. Of God I am much perplexed of my little sweetheart there could be nothing higher. If I am so great a sinner, I fear I shall always be the future is mine to control, the past is already recorded. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:20 P.M.”

“10:50 P.M. April 19^th,

Another day of life gone by and it has been different from the day before. The sun has been shinning nearly all day and has gladdened the hearts of many. All days seem very much alike to me in as far as life is concerned. I have only anticipation to live for, death holds the realization. Activity is necessary to maintain some sort of equilibrium by which man exists, he cannot be idle and be human; or posses all the physical and mental powers with which he has been endowed. I sit and look at the stars and try to penetrate the meaning of all that vast space in the Heavens, from whence did it all come? Man cannot answer here, but surely it will be shown to him some day. That is why I want to die and see it all, because death holds my little sweetheart. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”

“10:15 P.M. April 20^th,

The stars are not shinning tonight, it is stormy and raining now yet I know they are still up there in the Heavens shinning as they always have. Man has named the stars but knows not what they are. I am tired and sleepy, not from work I do not think but because of the constant effort to keep busy. Only in sleep do I rest and so I am sleepy now. I do not think I shall live very long. Sometimes I seem very close to her and I am very greatly content. As mother Dale says, she was too good for this old world and I want to be like her. May her little arms still guide me on and soon I shall beside her sleep. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

“10:45 P.M. April 21^st,

Cool days in April and storms and floods; much loss of life and property and a great deal of suffering. We read of Noah and the Ark and wonder should we not build an ark of today. The Bible seems so odd; it alone has stood the test of time so it must be a truly wonderful work. I often wonder is it a true history; so much of it is so easily understood and gives us the best of life but it is only work of man. Did man in those days possess the imagination of man today? I rather think he may have been much as we all are. God seems to have been very good to them by his many manifestations so plain to the unbeliever. Christ performed many miracles we are told, and man of today wonders a great deal about them. I, who seem to be so bitter toward God, believe that the seemingly impossible feats of Christ may be performed today. Surely it would be no more impossible than in the days of old and what a blessing to humanity it would be. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”

“10:40 P.M. April 22^nd,

The evening hours how strange they seem. I read awhile and grow restless then sit and turn a thousand different thoughts in my mind. Will I ever find that which it seeks? I rather think I shall some of these days, at least, I expect to. How different life might have been and how wonderful. As we had planned it to be she would be out at Baylor resting from the strain the little life had cause her and I’d have been with her holding her little hand and thankful to God for. Such a blessing to enjoy. And how we would have loved that little baby and for its life we’d give our very blood. Now I can only sit and long for my call to come. Just dry the tears from my eyes and go to bed, thankful only that I am a day older. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”

“11:15 P.M. April 23^rd,

Sat. night again. Sometimes they seem to come very fast and again they are far apart. Tomorrow I shall visit Greenwood again and care for my little flowers. They are growing now but when winter comes they will seem so bare. I like to think people are good and very true Christians but life does not prove it so. To be Christians we must have a very great faith in God and also believe in the change after death. If we are Christians we expect our reward in Heaven which we like to think of as being so much better than this turbulent world. Then if we believe all this we should have no fear of death, but rather glory in its coming. There should be no grief for the loved ones we have lost but I grieve and always shall, so I am not a Christian. I wonder just what I am? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:35 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2012)

I need to stop on this passage of John’s for a moment and say that I still grieve (and intensely sometimes) and it’s been 3 ½ years. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like I’m any better but I know I am. I am so happy that my grief isn’t the defining fact to say whether I’m a Christian or not. For me only knowing Christ does that. Otherwise I’d be all messed up; much more than I am. I need something solid to cling to because this world is anything but solid. As the old hymn by Edward Mote says; “On Christ the solid Rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand.”

“10:30 P.M. April 24^th,

I must be in bed very soon. I am so tired. Has been cold and rainy nearly all day long. Mr. and Mrs. Beamer were here for dinner today and I took them to Ft. Worth as I went over this afternoon. My little flowers seemed so full of life today and I am glad. I am getting to be an old man very fast I guess. Cannot account for being so tired tonight any other way. The drive was not any special strain as the road was dry most all the way. If I could only rest and not have to get up anymore as morning comes. However tired I am I am also very greatly content. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

“9:50 P.M. April 25^th,

I’ll be in bed soon. It is not late but I am feeling rather weak. Came home at noon today as I was feeling so badly I could not work. Feel better since resting and sleeping. Religion is a very strange belief indeed. Each creed has its firm conviction of the principles of life, of sin and what brings favor in the eyes of God. Religion is constantly changing with the times. They still place their faith in the Bible and believe that it contains their only salvation and yet what half a century ago was considered the evils of man, much of life today is a necessity of life and tolerated as such. As the world grows older it seems to become more sinful but it is not in reality. The sin is on the part of religion in placing her stamp of approval on an evil that is necessary for the existence of the church. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:05 P.M.”

“10:05 P.M. April 26^th, 1927

Have been well enough today. Am glad that I feel well, of course, but each touch of pain creates a certain expectancy within me. Recovery brings only a continuation of the battle of life. I would like to know a great deal about my ancestors but never shall. Somehow it seems to me I must be connected remotely with Victor Hugo, Anatole France, or someone of the old France family. They wrote very strange and sometimes absurd things but contain a great deal that is true of life. My thoughts in roaming often are much as they have written, tho, I seldom am able to put any of mine in writing. France has had her day just as I have had mine and been found wanting. How I hope America may not suffer such a fate. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:30 P.M.”

The following link is a short bio on Anatole France.

https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/1921/france/biographical/

“10:25 P.M. April 27^th,

I am sleepy and must soon be in bed. I am content. Five months ago today all that in life that meant the joy of living was taken from me. I am only a machine controlled by the motives of years gone by. I seek nothing further in life. I have only the ache in my heart which only death will heal; in death I shall find all I have lost. I act strange and cannot be as I would like to be, but I am powerless to be otherwise. Days come and go and I find each brings naught but desire for something else to conquer, or to do. Life in all its beauty is about me and I love it all for its beauty and examples to humanity but I interpret its meaning so different than the modern age. I am no part of it. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

“11:00 P.M. April 28^th,

April winds whistling around the doorway; and from where do they come? I have not the power of knowing. Storms brewing on the Gulf perhaps and the ever restless atmosphere hastening northward. April will soon be gone, never to return as of 27’, it will come again someday but will be a different April. Life comes and goes but does not return. It is give the eternal rest. Today we are among the living and tomorrow we are unable to seek further. Today I have surpassed previous accomplishments of life and my thoughts turn to new fields to conquer. And what shall it be? Life has its limits but they are never reached. A task completed, another must be sought. How lonely I ham tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”

“10:40 P.M. April 29^th, 1927

Our lives are gauged by years we say, life has its seasons just as each year but each day makes us a little older. Life is but of the moment, we control only that which is of the present. We can recall the past to mind but what is done cannot be changed. We plan for the future but our efforts are guided by a desire for participation which is only an act of the present; when that is realized we are content; when that is denied we are greatly troubled. We are usually conscious of the outcome of our desires; we are not capable to understand the meaning of our denials so we seek again that which is lost. Experience seems to point the error of our ways. To me, experience holds not the correction of my errors for I seek that which is no longer of life. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”

“11:40 P.M. April 30^th,

Very soon will April pass, a month I shall remember. Others will come and they will be much the same. Tomorrow I shall be proud for of tomorrow I have planed much. How wonderful it will be. What I have planned is not evil, it is very good indeed and it will come to pass. I am glad it is Sunday, for I can be at Greenwood again. I seem so very restless tonight and eager for tomorrow. It is late and I am sleepy but I do not want to go to bed. Rather cool this evening and I have the fire burning low. Seems I could just sit and watch it forever. All is quiet and the stars are twinkling so peacefully. Content is within my soul as long as I am doing something, tho it may only be I am lost in thought. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:55 P.M.”

Written by me in 2012

He is about the deepest person I think I’ve ever read in a diary or perhaps read anywhere. I had to read these above passages several times to really take it all in. How his words touch heart and I understand when he says…

“Content is within my soul as long as I am doing something, tho it may only be I am lost in thought.” Contentment is what I miss so much and I know, even though it may seem harsh to say, I don’t think I will ever experience true contentment. Perhaps maybe one day I will, but for now my mind and heart tell me otherwise.