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“March 1^st,

This is written in the evening of March 2^nd, as I was in Austin yesterday and did not take my diary with me. I am not satisfied with life nor ever will be. The world is making me a great unbeliever and I know not how to stop it. I do not want to be that way because in that way I am getting further away from my little sweetheart and she is the only thing I want. Riches would mean nothing to me without her to share them; fame would mean nothing for the same reason. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“10:25 P.M. March 2^nd,

And what will the morrow bring? Careful thought of living, what I could do to fill that awful gap, nothing can ever do it except death and that holds the unknown. How sweet it would have been if only I could have gone with her. Just what will God hold against me when I must go? Each day I live I am getting further from Him and from her. Some day I shall cast myself to the evil thoughts which originate in the mind of man. The world thinks I am weak in so doing, that is true, but what is responsible for that weakness? The world itself. Dear little dream girl! How you could comfort me tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:35 P.M.”

“10:30 P.M. March 3^rd,

Another day of life gone by and for it to be a true Christian day, I should thank God. I cannot thank Him for I have nothing to live for. What in life to come is there, I can never love as I have loved her. Nothing. Can man live without something to fill the place wherein a woman reigns supreme? Perhaps he can but such a wreck as he will become. And shall I risk my life to some day be an outcast from the society of mankind? Yes! If God is all powerful I will and will be proud of my doing it. Let the world think what it may. Quietude after the storm, such I am tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

“10:30 P.M. March 4^th,

Sleep, such a wonderful blessing. I have been asleep since about 7:00 o’clock and woke to find it 10:30 when I thought I’d only taken a very short nap. I am very tired and must go to bed again soon. Such little naps only make me realize I must be getting old fast, perhaps that is God’s way to relieve my suffering and I do not know it. Just the same I am thankful and it must be to Him. A normal, healthy, Christian life requires that a happy medium between mind and body be lived. Either cannot entirely rule the other without a fatality. Such is no longer impossible for me so it is pleasing to note that the body must be weakening. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

“11:10 P.M. March 5^th,

The day is gone, tho in passing it seems to have been very odd. More like some day long gone by when one tries to remember all that has happened. Tomorrow is Sunday, how glad I am. The little violets I left last Sunday were such delicate little things. I shall take roses tomorrow. One dreams such strange things, or was it an imagination of my waking hours? I do not seem to remember now. I have seen all of life there is to see, lived all there is to live, no man has known a greater happiness; no man has suffered such sorrows. Why I live on I cannot understand. I’d not ever wonder if tomorrow’s sun did not rise. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:25 P.M.”

“11:25 P.M. March 6^th,

Another Sunday gone and can I say that I am thankful for it? I can only say that I am thankful it has not been so hard to bear. I have been busy. Took some little roses for her this morning. I wish I could do more. Jim and Lorene were here today and I am glad. Perhaps they will come again someday. Should I be jealous of their happiness or their life? No, I only ask that God may keep it for them and guard it against the sins and strife of this world. Fate guides our destinies we say and what is fate? God is our keeper, so fate must be His wishes. I say that I have no faith in Him so I must suffer. I am bitter toward Him. I could not be otherwise. Nothing will alter that feeling until I see her again Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:50 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

The roses he is now taking to her are in the form of little bushes he has planted by her grave. They play an important part in the days to come. I have often wondered if I were to visit her grave, would those very precious rose bushes still be there; now 84 years old.

“9:45 P.M. March 7^th,

It is not yet late but I must retire soon. I am tired and my head aches; a little cold in the head. How lonely I feel tonight, the anxiety, and the expectation for all that is lost to me here. Oh! God! Why can’t it end? Sinner that I am, can you not show some compassion for one who is penitent? To you whom I doubt exists, cannot you in some way show how wrong I am? If of this earth I must remain to what shall I turn to fill the place of her whom you have robbed me? And can you say I’ve no reason to be bitter? Then I ask you show me why? Dear little sweetheart you are ever true. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:55 P.M.”

“March 8^th & 9^th,

This is written the evening of the 10^th. I cannot say just what my thoughts were on the 8^th or the 9^th. I did not feel well enough to even write in my diary. If I were one who placed all faith in God I’d perhaps believe that He had made me ill and made me suffer because on Sunday last I thought that even some physical suffering would be a relief from the mental suffering and that is His way to show me I am wrong; but it was not that. It is what I have done that gave me a cold and made me ill, tho I do not know just what it was and not Him that made me sick. And in being ill I’ve thought I might be nearer her, but of that I do not know. I only know were she here I’d not be feeling badly. Such a sweetheart!”

“9:30 P.M. March 10^th,

And on this, the 8^th anniversary of my little sweetheart’s gift to me, herself, I come with a tear in my eye and ache in my heart so great it will never heal. And if God whom others worship and in whom I’d like my faith to be, can say that I have wronged her greatly, then his punishment I shall endure forever. And to her who is my god, I ask forgiveness for that in life I tried and failed to give. Could I have loved her more she would have asked it and received. If she had loved me not then I’d have failed her. If she were here a kiss she would give me now. To her my faith must remain. She alone can change it. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:45 P.M.”

“11:25 P.M. March 11^th,

At work all day today and have felt very well only seem a little weak. I guess my body is just wearing out. How sweet it must be to one who places all his faith in God and looks for the great reward after death which we all would like to have. My faith, or my belief, is very strange indeed, and I cannot say that I believe I shall either go to Heaven or to Hell when I die, because I am of the living and the living cannot foretell what death holds. My faith, which is very strong, is in my sweetheart and I know I shall see her again. I only want to be with her and to say that I am anxious for this to come is only being truthful. If I am wrong it cannot be helped. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:40 P.M.”

“11:20 P.M. March 12^th,

Saturday night again. I do not know just how I’ll be feeling tomorrow. My body does not seem very dependable any more. And what has made it so? No one but myself. I could make it otherwise but I do not want to. And one should not grieve, they say. And just what is grief? To me it seems only a continuation of love for her who filled my life and shared all its happiness and disappointments. For her I live and now I live only for the time when I can join her again. If that be sin then I am a great sinner. One is indeed blessed with a great understanding who moans not their loss and finds that in life to which they may turn to fill the lonely spot wherein a mate has reigned. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

“11:25 P.M. March 13^th,

Another Sunday gone. This has been a very beautiful day and one I should have enjoyed. I am glad that it made the trip to Ft. Worth easier for me. Took her some little roses today and someone had taken a lovely bunch of sweet peas. How she loved them. I am very tired and must be in bed soon. I sometimes think I can never last the summer through, tho I do not know. I would like to have a stronger faith in God, now I feel I have none and I cannot even read of Him and His greatness without a bitterness against such belief that He is all powerful and does only what is best. I cannot help being that way, tho, little sweetheart, always good and true, show me wherein I am wrong. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)
I’ve been thinking as I typed up John’s words that to some it must seem like he’s always so down and so bitter. But I can still remember as if it were yesterday when I was on my fourth month into my grief, (as John is), I felt so much like he did (although my dependency on God was so great because for me God was and is the closest thing to my husband). In fact I purposefully keep my thoughts from thinking back to those times; those first days and months were a nightmare and I wonder sometimes how I even got thought it. Nightmares like the incredibly long trip in the car to the hospital where he was taken by life flight and not knowing yet if he was alive. Then hearing the news while in that tiny room surrounded by doctors that “He didn’t make it.” Then the arrival of my precious precious children and having to tell them the horrifying news. Then only being able to see his body for 15 minutes because it was a construction accident and OSHA was involved so there had to be an investigation. Then
the image of my children and I gathering around his body and praying and not being able to touch him because his body had been so badly crushed…and on and on and on……I don’t mean to sound depressing, especially during the precious season of Christmas, I only say this because I’m so proud of myself and how far I’ve come to be able to actually write these things down here. So John’s bitterness, anger, depression and loneliness are so much a part of this thing called grief, especially in the early stages. And even though I miss my husband more then I can say and the loneliness is overwhelming at times, I wish I could say….hang in there John, one day you might even be able to blog about it…..

“10:05 P.M. March 14^th,

I shall be in bed very soon. Had a nap of an hour or so then listened to Bethine playing for awhile; read the “History of Psychology” by James Mark Baldwin an hour or so before bed. It does not seem possible for man to live without God. All through the ages He is mentioned and the power which he holds over man is studied and opinions written, even as I now am tying to find something to make me believe. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, or how clean I try to be by repression of the evil thoughts and expression of the good, it will never restore my faith to that I should like it to be, only His restoring her to me will do that. So I can only wait. Truly life is hard to live when all ones hope, purpose and inspiration has been taken from them. Dearest sweetheart of mine, may God let me see you soon! Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

“10:50 P.M. March 15^th,

Could I but go to bed now and sleep the sleep untroubled by an anticipation of seeing the only thing in life I long to hold close in my arms again; and if in slumber land some intrudes should attempt to harm her they’d have to crush life from my body ere her fair skin they’d dare to touch. But now that she is gone I have nothing to fight for; nothing to live for; nothing to hope for. Life is a struggle always and to rich or poor, tho the object for which the struggle is made may be different. And when life continues to be a struggle with no object in view, then man gives up in vain. And what will he become? My dearest girlie, ask me on! Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”

11:10 P.M. March 16^th,

Only another day! March winds are blowing, soon April showers will come and when they do I’ll still be longing to be with her again. A letter from Verte today in which she sent some pictures of my little sweetheart and how precious they are to me. One is of her and dear little Carol Joe who she loved as if she had been her very own. Both have passed to the great beyond from whence they roam no more and where they eternal peace from sins and suffering of earthly things is everlasting. How wonderful it must be. I whose only desire is to be with her again, have assumed the role of a philosopher and in my other diary I’ve written tonight much I’d rather not but I cannot help it and if God is watching me tonight, I’m sure He must understand. I’d like to see my little dream girl tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M”

“11:05 P.M. March 17^th,

And this is St. Patrick’s Day. A day of celebration for Ireland. Dear old Ireland, because from somewhere back in the ages her ancestors come and she did not try to deny it; for there is nothing to the so-called Irish traits to be ashamed of. To me, I was proud for her so being, for they show an expression of kindness, generosity, protection, mother love and devotions which are an innate goodness of human nature and this is what civilization is attempting to preserve. My thoughts today have been evil again….My little sweetheart, will I never see you again? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

“10:45 P.M. March 18^th,

Today has been warmer. Spring is almost here. The seasons come and go, even as life and only the earth remains. I have not felt well today and do not now but deep down somewhere I am glad of it; the evil thoughts have not been suppressed and I am sorry they are so prevalent. When one feels badly they wonder why and if such things have been pre arranged. If in my unbelief, as I term it, I should now be called from earth, it would be absolute proof of a pre-arrangement of events by Him to me. He must be doing all this and I do not know it. Surely in death there must be rest from the battle of life. How little man knows of life. I can only be master of myself, or try. If I should start a kiss to her I wonder would it enter Heaven? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011 but this verse is still so powerful to me in 2025)

“If I should start a kiss to her I wonder would it enter Heaven.” WOW.

“10:40 P.M. March 19^th,

LIFE. It must go on! And why does the physical remain when the life of the soul has been destroyed? The physical then must be the stronger. All the pent up bitterness that my heart contains, I am sorry for it. I’d rather die a thousand times, coward that I am, than live to see the day when the tide breaks. I cannot prevent it. I cannot be kind and friendly anymore as I once was, no matter how I try. I ask God to help but it does no good. My faith is gone because He failed me once. Tomorrow I shall be by her grave again, some day I shall remain. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”

“9:35 P.M. March 20^th,

I thank God that today again I’ve taken roses to her and been near that little spot wherein lies all my hope, my love, my life. So there I must ever go. Dear Father in Heaven, to what shall I turn to give me faith in you. A faith so strong it will surmount all obstacles of living, if love I must? And of what am I possessed that you cannot manifest yourself to me? For death I cry and what it holds I do not fear because to the realms unknown you have taken her and there I want to go. Give peace unto my soul, if soul I have and send and angel to guard it. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:55 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

Don’t we all need an angel to guard our souls. In this crazy crazy world we live in with so much sorrow, pain and suffering, an angel from God to guide us, protect us and guard us, would be and is an amazing gift from God. A prayer I not only pray for my self but for my children, my family and my friends. Thank you John.

I just noticed something about John’s entries. Don’t know if it means anything but on certain days he circles the date or actually just the number. He did it with January 18^th, 20^th and 21^st. Then again on February 27^th, 28^th, March 1^st and March 19^th. And here now on March 21^st and 22^nd. Thought it worth mentioning.

“8:40 P.M. March 21^st,

This has been a day for which I am sorry that it has been so. And of what it has been. I alone am responsible and so I am only despising myself for it. It could be different, it should be different and it would be different if circumstances were as they were intended to be. Tonight my head is bursting and I shall not rest well. Is that God’s way to manifest himself to me? I am the devil himself. God is not a part of me; tho I want Him to be for she is with Him now. Oh! My little sweetheart! Bring me peace. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:55 P.M.”

“10:30 P.M. March 22^nd,

(Written by me in 2011)

Right at the top of the diary and before his first sentence is printed “284 days to come”. He has underlined that phrase and then drawn an arrow to this first sentence of his).

“I wonder if they will and what will they bring? Perhaps some day?, tho I do not class them as such any more because where desire has been crushed there can be no disappointment. And have I no desire any more? Yes, a great deal, but in the fulfillment of such they can never bring the peace or satisfaction of a job well done because she is not here to share the triumph. Such a frail thing as man is or as I am. On every hand I can see so much in humanity that is getting further from Christ and His teachings and it is sweeping me along with it. That is not written because I am in that evil frame of mind and cannot see the good; it is written because it is true and is evident by daily occurrences. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

The other night I was watching (for about the 10^th time) one of my favorite movies, Becoming Jane. So if you haven’t seen it and want to, you’ll have to stop reading here because I give away some of the plot. The movie is about the life of early 19^th century author Jane Austin. There is a scene in the movie where her sister Cassandra has just learned of her husband’s sudden death. It is one of the most powerful scenes, for me that is, because of the loss of my own husband. Cassandra, her sister Jane, and their mother are in the bedroom and Cassandra is beside herself with grief. It is a perfect example of what that moment was like for me. Cassandra can’t sit down, can’t stand, can’t think, wants comfort but can’t find it and it shows her wandering aimlessly and going in circles around her room in a state of complete confusion. Oh, how I wish I didn’t know what that feeling felt like. I say all this to express my deep sincere sympathy for any of you who are (or know of someone who is), in those first stages of grief, as John is right now. And all I can say is that the aimless wandering, the confusion, the shock….well it may never go away completely but I promise you will learn how to live a life without your precious loved one. And your wandering and confusion with subside and one day you can make sense of all of it and learn to live a life, a happy life, and become stronger because of it.

(Written by me in 2025)

And guess what, I just watched that movie again with my boyfriend Jeff and we talked about that scene. Goodness, life is surely amazing.

“10:55 P.M. March 23^rd,

Alone by the fireside. Could anything more forlorn be mentioned? Yes, there could be no fireside. It at least gives me warmth. The good seems to be predominant today and it brings a certain contentment. I have written much in my overflow diary this evening because there would not have been room here and all that I have written has made me wonder if a certain psychological theory which I have believe is, after all, is absolutely correct as I have given it credit for being. This doubt has, in a way, and has at the same time complicated the mental process of determining the good and the evil. I am still very far from the hope that I can overcome my bitterness. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”

“10:35 P.M. March 24^th,

Much as the day gone before, work which tires me not, I only quit and hurry home because I must. Man never remains in one place for long in life; movement is necessary as long as life exists for when movement stops death holds all that remains. This is not only true of man but of everything that has been created even the world itself. How foolish man is to doubt the existence of a divine being and what a greater fool is he who attempts to solve the problem of from hence did all the universe come. Man should be content to make the best of life as it is given unto him and do something for humanity to come. As to what comes after death, no man knows and it is sinful to say that he does. We are only fully aware of one law of nature; that the good must prevail over the evil or we cannot exist for long as a people. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

So much food for thought in his last entry especially with the way our world is today. But on a more humorous note I LOVED his saying… “Alone by the fireside. Could anything more forlorn be mentioned? Yes, there could be no fireside.” Is that not so true for everything. If John only knew how helpful and insightful his entries are.

“10:40 P.M. March 25^th,

A busy day and I am not tired. Life goes on and I attempt to find out why. If it should end for me here when tomorrow’s sun has warmed the daylight of tomorrow, where would I find myself? I do not even try to guess. Of that, I am not concerned; so long as life exists, life is what I must control. I am responsible for what I do in life and not what I shall do in death. I place my faith in no theory of psychology; in no science or philosophy; in nothing that man suggests. And why? Because none are infallible. A part of each is true, and I believe in that which is true, not mystical or theoretical. My sweetheart was true, so my faith is in her hands. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”

“10:50 P.M. March 26^th,

I have finished reading Baldwin’s “History of Psychology” and what have I learned? Nothing that has helped me especially, except that it as kept my mind busy and has perplexed me a great deal. It will not be of any great benefit to me. True the theories and beliefs brought out are the result of deep study and a very exhaustive experimental research but are not true in all cases or as may be applied to all people. The different teachers express only what life means to them and later on their affects are ridiculed and cast into the trash heap by more modern writers with new experimental or theoretical ideas and life goes on as before. Life seems very simple to me tonight and that is as it should be. Twenty-three years ago tonight my mother passed on to the great unknown. I only know that she was very good and true. I wish that I might have known her more. Tomorrow is Sunday and I shall go again to Greenwood to that little plot of ground, more sacred to me than any God man has ever worshiped or ever will. Oh! How I wish I was beside her always. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

It’s so very sad to know that John lost his mother as a child and now his precious wife. I just got through reading an 1855 diary written by a 17 year old girl. Her entries tell the story of a very sad and depressed young woman but she wrote something that really touched my heart and I thought it a great passage to quote here in John’s blog. And how interesting because it was written almost to the day of John’s recent excerpts above only 72 years earlier, and I quote…..

“March 21^st, 1855

As the sweet spring of nature approaches and the pleasant sun shines upon the earth to cheer us, Oh may the spring of the soul approach with it and may the “Son of Righteousness” arise to chase away the mists and darkness which has so long hung around our hearts.”

(Written by me in 2011)

I received a very touching comment about John’s diaries. I believe the person writing me was also in the midst of grief and my heart just goes out to her. She had written a statement that I thought very profound and I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing it here as I’d like to comment on it. She wrote….
“Are you sure that the aching, the loss and the utter emptiness ever leaves? It doesn’t seem so for the author or for me.”
You can read my comment back to her in the comments section but I’ve been meaning to share a particular thought about John’s entries here. Since I am posting two to three days worth of entries each week we are almost seeing what “real time” grief feels like as we read his daily entries. When you are in the midst of it, at least for me, it felt like time was standing still, like this unspeakable pain and suffering would never go away and would always haunt me. I can honestly say, three years later, that the shadow of grief that seemed to follow me everywhere is no longer a dark shadow but perhaps a friend. I know that sounds so strange but finally, I think I’m getting to the point where my grief is not ruling my life and I have used it to be a better, stronger, wiser, (maybe not happier) person. And yes, I am happy. But, like John is now, those first moments, days, weeks, and months, are as deep and painful as they can be…..

“11:40 P.M. March 27^th,

Home again after the drive to Ft. Worth. I am tired and will soon be in slumberland. This has been a beautiful afternoon and I have been very deeply impressed by all the grandeur of nature. I have felt something within me today I could never describe; my loneliness and my love and longing for my little sweetheart are with me always and will always be. The feeling today has come to me before but hardly in so compelling a nature; it seems to be an urge to help humanity and America especially but what right have I to aspire to such lofty peaks? Me, whose life proves nothing only mistakes and they have been fatal. I shall try to follow that urge; perhaps thou that which controls me I can gleam the sweetest grain. Four months of life without a purpose. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:00 A.M.”

“10:20 P.M. March 28^th,

Life, a word could not be found which means so much and is so highly prized. And yet I wonder is it of such great importance? To me the only importance of it is just how it has been lived; the continuance of it matters not. The longer I live will only bring one final result, death, and what it holds I have no way of knowing. I only know that if God should promise me the fulfillment of anything that I might ask I could only reply, “I have lived.” I already am no longer a part of life on earth that man was meant to be; only so much of me as is necessary to make one eat and drink. My thoughts are seldom only in the past and in the future. Today bothers me not. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

“10:30 P.M. March 29^th,

I wonder if Psychoanalysis can tell me just when I shall have a reoccurrence of what I term my evil thoughts and which I do not like to take possession of me so completely at times. Perhaps it could; tho it gives me great content to feel as if such things could never bother me again. That is true tonight but something may happen tomorrow to make it different. It is only the urge of nature, evil tho it may be, and if it were not in me I would be God and not man. The world is badly in need of some physical manifestation of God, and I, as many others have, wonder when this will come. I have not yet reached the point where I prophecy when it will be. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

“10:45 P.M. March 30^th,

I wonder why I always so carefully mention the hour in which I begin to write in this little book and also when I finish writing of what the day has brought to me? It serves no particular purpose that I can see and yet I always do it. Some psychologist could tell me why or rather what he thinks but that would not be proof to me. In my imagination I might endeavor to connect it with something the future holds, the past is gone and it means nothing to the present. In reading H. G. Wells he mentions the possibility of the world colliding with some other planet which might mean death to all mankind and as I read his lines the thought comes to me of where I would like to be at such a moment or to what might I turn to seek the last worldly consolation and I could only thing of the little plot in Greenwood. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”

“10:50 P.M. March 31^st,

Perhaps I should be in bed. I guess I need some rest. I’ve been lost in the sea of memory again this evening and the loneliness of life; the emptiness within my heart has been urging me on to search and search for that which might heal it again. Happiness! It is indeed a word of mystery. I cannot write of things of life that bring the joy of real happiness because I am not happy. To me is only left the cold, harsh tongue of a critic; or the deep curiosity of a philosopher. Perhaps a critic may even be a good sort of chap at that. Philosophers are funny old chaps who occasionally stumble on to an idea worthy of some significance. Saw a little school girl on her way to school this morning waving at a little friend across the street. It was a greeting and not a good bye wave and so earnestly done. If man possessed half the sincerity of that little girl life would be less harsh. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”