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“11:15 P.M. February 1^st,

Feel somewhat more peaceful tonight but my thoughts wander and I can find no reason for it, the day has been just as they all are. There can be no disappointments in life of great consequence anymore. Each day I come from work I look for a letter, there is none. Communication with the great unknown is impossible and still I shall always expect a message from my little sweetheart. She is guiding my destiny and until those little hands welcome me to be with her I must carry on as she directs. I am nervous at times and can detect slight changes which must inevitable come. I only ask that I may do what is right. My perception seems greatly clouded and I need some influence from above. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:50 P.M.”

“12:00 Midnight. February 2^nd,

I am grieving my heart away, it will stop someday. If I were not such a coward I would have been dead now. If God holds any grieving against me I can never enter his kingdom, for I am powerless to prevent it. I could plunge into a life that would cause me to forget my sweetheart as the world calls it but I do not want to forget, if that is what I should do, then I am doing wrong and I know not what to do. In “Toiler’s of the Sea”, Hugo says, “Virtue conducts not to happiness nor crime to retribution; conscience has one logic, fate another, and neither coincide.” That is true. It seems what I do matters little and yet for her I live still in hopes and her hand seems to guide me; it is unseen, it is beyond my comprehension. The world would say, “He is a fool and crazy.” I do not know. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:20 A.M.”

“10:35 P.M. February 3^rd,

I have been very much troubled this evening; and restless, bordering on a nervousness where one knows not what they do sometimes. Hope I can rest peacefully tonight. My thoughts have been roaming considerable all day, that was because I was not so extremely busy; had nothing waiting to be done when one task was finished. Went to the library tonight and the book I wanted was not there so I’ve been lost all evening. I could have read the Bible, and will try before going to bed, but it is so hard for me to understand. The future seems to hold for me one of those things. I know not which it will be, death, which is welcome, to lose my mind, which would be dreadful, and the third a sinful whirl of forgetfulness, which would be terrible. Oh! My little sweetheart; my God, come close to your poor, weak daddy tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”

(Written by me 2011)

As I was reading John’s diary the first time around I wrote down so many profound things he said and actually there were so many you could write a small booklet of great quotes. Two of them that stuck out to me are in the passages above……“There can be no disappointments in a life of great consequence anymore” and “I am grieving my heart away.” Then he really hit home for me when he talked about not being able to find the library book he wanted and so he was lost all evening after that. Sounds simple but oh how true for a grieving heart. I would (and still do at times) focus on one thing to get me through the day and when it didn’t (doesn’t) happen, I got very lost, very confused. It’s much better as I’ve been able to focus on more then one thing, or I should say; look forward to more then one thing. The future does hold more then it did 3 years ago, just wish my husband was there to share in it….one day I believe he will be.

(Written by me 2024)

As I just read my own passage above, it hurt my heart. Hurt my heart for the woman I was in 2011. Again, it’s so very interesting to read one’s diary entries years later. All the more reason for us to keep a diary. As written above in 2011, while in the midst of deep grief, I could only focus on one thing at a time to get me through, and oh how that has changed, thankfully. Now with 4 grown children and 5 grandchildren, I’m traveling like crazy because they all live in different states: Idaho, Colorado, Oregon and Washington. I just got back from Denver and what a crazy marvelous trip. My daughter Cass lives there and we did about a million things while I was staying with her and guess what, I focused on all of them, sometimes many at once. I’m glad things have changed. I’m glad my focus is back to where it was and that the deep intense grief has greatly subsided. Never forgotten however, but now it’s in the past. I know I could not have lived there (in grief) for a long period of time, it would have almost destroyed me. It took a while to heal but now joy has replaced the grief and I can focus once again.

“11:05 P.M. February 4^th,

I have been very nervous today. I want to go somewhere but I know not where. I look and I see not what I want to see; I listen and I hear not what I want to hear. All is gone. There is no place for me to go. I am just as well here as any place. This morning for some unknown reason I rose earlier than usual and the sunrise was very beautiful, no human hand can ever match such celestial creations, so there must be a God somewhere. It filled my soul with peace while I watched it but contrast with the whirl of humanity brought again unrest. God gave man certain powers which are very wonderful, but provided only one righteous way to release the accumulation of this power. I have always striven for a certain perfection of my physical being which I have never attained. I wonder if man ever has. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

“10:55 P.M. February 5^th,

Tomorrow is Sunday again and I shall be as close to my little sweetheart as God will permit. Such mental torture as I endure. This seems to have been the hardest day of my whole life. I have never been very emotional but I never know what I will do next. This evening the sunset was so beautiful and as I stood and watched it I could not keep back the tears. Such a beautiful thing so soon to pass and human eyes shall never again look upon another just the same. It is like the close of a beautiful life and leaves only memories. I have been reading a short history of the origin of various churches and thru the ages the form of worshiping God has caused great strife. How foolish people are to be masters to such a trivial matter. We are not the ones to say if our brother shall enter heaven. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”

“10:50 P.M. February 6^th,

A beautiful day to those who could enjoy it. To me, I am a day older and to me who has written these could be no further disappointed in life. I find I am only a poor student because it made my heart ache to see that the roses I left for my little sweetheart last Sunday were gone. Others are there, now and I shall wonder if they will remain until I am there again. I want them to. Self preservation is the first law of nature that cannot be denied. If I live I shall write more of that some day. I know too that man cannot live long without a woman. That seems off but it is true and as God meant it to be. A man does not die of a broken heart; he dies by a refusal to obey the law of nature. Woman dies of a broken heart when love is gone and there is no mother’s care. Perhaps I shall die. I can only wait. When I do I can only say I tried. I am indeed a very strange person. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:25 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

It’s so interesting to read John’s thoughts and constant references to how strange he thinks he is. In the last three years since my husband died it’s also been a constant thought in my head; how very strange I’ve become and must seem to some. Intense grief does that; brings out the “strange” in all of us. Or is it the “truth” in all of us…..

“10:15 P.M. February 7^th,

I am sitting by the fire and I have a great satisfaction in my heart because I am cleansing my soul each day. It is not as black as some, so perhaps it will soon be clean enough to be with my little sweetheart. Ditto’s have a baby girl. I shall never know the proudness of a father, nor shall I ever see the joy it brings to a mother’s eye, only thru imagination. I have been losing strength of late; physically and mentally and I do not know how to prevent it. My brain acts very queer. I only hope body and mind may pass together and not my mind first. Another life came into the world last night and one will pass on. If God is willing it may be mine. We went to church last night. I came home and found a great deal I could have added to the sermon, tho it was very good. The church is losing its appeal and I believe I know why. If I live I shall give my view of how that condition will be changed some day. 10:45 P.M. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“11:40 P.M. February 8^th,

Another day is gone, how long they are. I am again sitting by the fire, that heart of the home, but beside me is an empty chair. Never again will loving arms reach over to me and the sweetest voice God ever made would say “Come Daddy, it is time for bed.” I am so hopeless, life is finished and yet my body will not die. I feel well and I sleep well. I must be made of iron. All the suffering I have endured and for so long and my body is no weaker, tho sometimes I seem to feel a great fatigue. My niece told her mother she wished she had a daddy like her Uncle John. I do not deserve such a sweet adoration. I hope that some day things may prove her daddy different than events indicate. I shall try to help what I can but it seems I shall never overcome my grief. Oh! My little sweetheart, help me someway. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:05 A.M.”

“11:15 P.M. February 9^th,

I am sitting by the fire again. It is much colder tonight and I shall wake up cold sometime during the night. Cover I have a plenty, but it is that I am alone that makes me cold. Life does not seem so hard sometimes when I think of what my sister has gone thru in the past year and yet life could have been so different and happy. Happiness I have very little. I am content that I am living as she would want me to, for that is as God says we should. May it ever be so. I seem to be a sort of egotist. I read so much and criticize it all in my mind. I seem to think I am one of His disciples and that my views of life can never be wrong. I cannot quite understand why it should be that way. My meager knowledge does not cause it. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

“11:15 P.M. February 10^th,

It is raining tho not so cold as last night. I shall hate to go to bed because, why I will not write for someone may read these lines some day and these are sweet secrets that are never told. I have been copying a criticism which I wrote some twelve years ago; and comparing that time with today; the thing with which it deals has become even worse than it was then. To me it is sacred, but to the world at large it is considered with no more seriousness than the eating of a meal. This is a condition which will ultimately cause the downfall of a nation for this reason, life demands pleasure and thrills, the utmost of which is reached in the sexual act. When a people reach the stage of living where the utmost of pleasure is no longer thrilling, only a common delight, then they start backward. I am a terrible egotist, I seem to think. God forgive me for it. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:25 P.M.”

“11:30 P.M. February 11^th,

A busy day for which I am thankful. What strange force is guiding my life from whence it comes I do not know so long as it is providing thought food for me of a clean nature, it is very wonderful to have such a controlling power over me. It must be my little sweetheart for she knows when my mind is busy it is a pleasure to me. Fate is odd, indeed. Yesterday I seemed such an egotist and this evening I find myself studying the alphabet. Could there be two things further apart? But it will be a sweet study, this “Language of Letters” and if studied deeply may prove very interesting. And by it I shall want all her dear letters I can get. I, myself have only two. I have only the language of four letters, three of mine and one of hers and her J. is very sweet. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:50 P.M.”

“12:35 P.M. February 12^th,

It is getting late, even for me to be up but I am not sleepy. Tomorrow is Sunday again and I plan to be in Ft. Worth, if I should be denied a Sunday by her grave it would be hard to endure. Have been very nervous all day and have worried for fear I was losing my mind on account of the “Language of Letters” which I started last night and I have been afraid to try any other letters tonight. The message of her J and my L seems so strange; perhaps it is my imagination running wild and my mind getting weak. Truthfully, this is the first day I have really been troubled in my work. A letter from Verte today in which she enclosed a poem by Edgar Guest. It is very sweet but the faith he mentions is in God, mine is in my little sweetheart, tho my life is being lived as God says it should. I have a strange religion. Ilya toyed skuisya. 1:00 A.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

I don’t know which poem John was talking about but when I went to look up Edgar Guest’s poems I found one titled “If You Would Please Me.” As I read it I started to cry because one thing I’ve worked very hard on while in this world of grief is to be a stronghold for my 4 children. I want them to be able to go on with their lives, with their joy, with their dreams and not to have a widowed mother who they worry so much about. It is a goal mine. So this poem really got to me…..

http://freemasonry.bcy.ca/biography/guest_e/poetry.html

“10:15 P.M. February 13^th,

Not so late tonight, shall soon be in bed. Had to rest for awhile at Pat’s today, my head felt so queer I was afraid to do a thing. Resting relieved it some. The roses were still on my little sweetheart’s grave and were not so wilted as they might have been. I am glad of that. The strange feeling I have had today means one of two things; either my mind is getting weak or I am getting old very fast. The first could only mean more suffering to the world, surely that will not come. I am very tired and the drive to Ft. Worth has made me wonder how many more Sundays I’ll be able to go, perhaps not many. Some day I shall remain at Greenwood by her side. Oh, God, please let me see her in my dreams tonight, surely I am not too wicked for that pleasure. Found a message from the letter “C” today and it is strange. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

“10:40 P.M. February 14^th,

I am tired. My head hurts and has been all day. Never before has life seemed so useless. I do not know how to live. I am perhaps doing wrong. I do not know. I have written that man does not die of a broken heart but rather from his refusal to obey the laws of nature; knowing this, I may be considered taking my own life, and that is wrong. And so I do not know what to do. That sounds very evil indeed; to imply that man cannot live without woman and perhaps I am possessed of a devil but I do not think I am worse than most men, nor have lived wrong. Right or wrong my little sweetheart is with me yet and I still have a vow to her. My mind is getting weaker, perhaps my body is too but I cannot detect it. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:05 P.M.”

“10:55 P.M. February 15^th,

The sun has shone today and it has been warm. Truly a day to be appreciated after so many cloudy ones. Soon it will be spring. Flowers will bloom; the robins will hop about and watch for foolish worms who venture from the ground wherein they live; all nature will bring the love call. And I shall only sit and dream of what might have been. I shall need a very sacred influence to help me carry on but it will come from here. Last night long after the sun had set it cast a beautiful reflection on the clouds overhead and so it is with life. When I am gone I hope there may be something left which will be good as she has done. Nothing I can ever do will equal her glorious passing. Life has not been so hard today, and I am thankful and the night would not be dreaded if her dream face would come to me. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:30 P.M.”

“10:45 February 16^th,

My mind seems very keen today and my thoughts are more easily concentrated. My imagination has developed to the point where I even hesitate to write the things that come to my mind. They are unreal, based on no known religion or belief. They are predictions, criticisms and rules which would make the most learned of our nation wonder. I would be called crazy and perhaps I am. They are things which are impossible to mankind to correct but which I see as clearly and with an understanding of their cause, as tho I were reading history. Why should such visions, as some would call them, come to me? I do not know. They are not visions; I cannot even see my sweetheart in my dreams. They are simple truths which can be traced to their origin by concentrated thought. Such an egotist as I am tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:10 P.M.”

“10:15 P.M. February 17^th,

A chilly wind blew up at 7:00 o’clock as I reached downtown. Such sudden changes of the weather man cannot account for, only He who rules the universe knows their purpose. I am content to know such things are so, for it makes man realize he is not all powerful. And yet today my egotism has known no bounds; I’ve been convinced that I am more than fit to enter His Kingdom, and to my mind has come that thought, that when I pass on it is not myself that will be pleading for entrance to Heaven that we all at sometime in our lives dream of, but rather that “He shall answer me.” That is indeed a strange thought to enter the mind of man. I can only say that I am being truthful and that is as my little sweetheart would want me to be. I seem almost happy tonight, why I do not know. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:45 P.M.”

“10:05 P.M. February 18^th,

Yesterday the great egotist, tonight a meeker soul could not be found. It has been very cold today for Texas and the wind has been cutting all day long. I’ve been egotistical and content all day and the sudden realizations of a force that makes me feel so humble only came when I reached home. I found that I was very tired, tho it was not from work, as I’ve not been rushed all day. I only know that it is so. Last night I was defiant toward God and tonight I am very humble. Last night I seemed almost happy and tonight I feel the same, there should be a difference but there is not. Tomorrow is Saturday and next will be Sunday. Feeling so weak tonight. I’ve been wondering if I’ll be able to drive to Ft. Worth Sunday. Little sweetheart of mine, it must be that I am to see you soon. I shall rest well tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

Last night I had dinner with a friend of mine who is also a widow. She lost her husband of 43 years about a year before I lost Kevin, my husband. We actually met when Kevin died because I was in such dire straits to find another woman who had lost her husband because nothing anyone was saying to me made any sense or comforted me; at least at that time. I needed to hear from someone who had been there. Like me, she was so in love with her husband and so last night at dinner when she said the words to me, “I didn’t know I loved him THIS much,” it kind of took me by surprise. I thought about it the whole way home and then it came to me and I realized I felt the same way and could easily say the same thing. When Kevin first died a common statement that I heard was, “The level of love you had for the person who died is the level of grief you will experience.” One really doesn’t know how deep and dark those lows will be until it happens. During the entire 14 years of my marriage I remember telling God on a daily basis how incredibly blessed I was with Kevin and that I couldn’t be happier. I was beside myself with contentment and joy, then it happened…this death and grief thing…..“I didn’t know I loved him THIS much”

“11:45 February 19^th,

It is late and I must not write much for I shall need to rest well for the trip tomorrow. I want to get some violets tomorrow for her; they are very delicate little flowers and will not remain pretty for long but she loved them so. How my heart aches tonight. Oh God! Will it never end? Am I so great a sinner I can find no peace wherever I turn? I try so hard to be what I should. My life to you is an open book, some pages may be black but surely they are not all. Soon I’ll be so cross and bitter no one will even want to see me any more. Oh! Little sweetheart, you never failed and now I need you more than ever, so to your little hands I give my soul, make it white as yours. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:55 P.M.”

“10:29 P.M. February 20^th,

Must go to bed very soon. I am very tired. A little work and then the drive to Ft. Worth has completely exhausted me. I am growing old fast. Pat, Ray and Rayanna were over today. I’m so glad they came and I hope they enjoyed the visit. I would like for Jim and Lorene and Mrs. Brasher to come some Sunday soon. Ditto’s little niece, Gloria, was with them today. Such a sweet little girl as she is and how I love her little golden locks. If God says I must live I shall find a little baby somewhere to love, some little homeless girl. Rayanna played with the little Kittens today. They are so cute and such timid little things. One of them lay on the day bed and looked so earnestly up towards the ceiling just like it was watching the movement of something. I looked but could not even see a tiny bug. I wonder can little kittens see things we cannot? Such a strange thought. Took pansies to my little sweetheart today. I feel so strangely happy tonight. Dear Father, thank thee! Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

“10:45 P.M. February 21^st,

Came home this evening feeling very tired, not from work cause I’ve really had too little today. My head has ached and I’ve been so nervous; restless; nothing seems to pacify me. Since eating a good super and taking a hot bath my headache is gone but I am so tired. I seem to sleep well; nothing disturbs me and Ditto’s worry so for fear the baby bothers me in its crying. I only love it the more and only wish I could comfort it. “For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.” How sweet that must be. Surely there must be some peace for me somewhere. Dear little sweetheart! How I loved you, now love you still. I must be a great unbeliever to suffer so long when there is so much to hope for in Him. I cannot be a deceiver and so I must write the truth. God have mercy. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”

“11:00 P.M. February 22^nd,

I am feeling very good physically tonight tho very tired, yet content. Today I have been again the great egotist. I wonder why? This morning as I rode down to work on the street car I discovered what is the “root of all evil”. I say “discovered” but perhaps that is not true; no doubt someone has written of it before and I have read it but forgotten. Be that as it may the fact remains that all evil originates in the mind of man. How easy it is to trace it there. I could write a great deal about that tonight and of many other things, principally a criticism of Hugo’s “Notre Dame” which I am reading now but it will never be written and perhaps it is just as well. Poor America! How I pity the generations to come and to me who is so weak, I can do nothing to prevent it and in my weakness I shall perish. Saw also today a picture of the impulse of human nature of which I would like to write. I wonder shall that little dream face come to me tonight? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”

“9:45 P.M. February 23^rd,

Have felt well today and been busy. Saddest of all I have been troubled with that evil passion again this evening. When it stops, life stops with it. I can only say I am more its master. Again this morning on the way to work another idea came to my mind which I would like to do and shall try. How closely it is linked with my “Language of Letters.” From where do such great inspirations come? Vol. 2 of “Notre Dame” was not at the library this evening and as I have been assuming the role of a great philosopher lately, I brought home Spencer’s “Synthetic Philosophy, First Principles.” It seems interesting to me but only found myself criticizing as I read or disagreeing with conclusions drawn therein. Again that egotism. I am only trying to become a believer, if fate does not rule otherwise. But in all my bitterness and doubt, she alone stands enshrouded with all the divinity of the great unknown. Dear little sweetheart of mine. 10:20 P.M. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“10:45 P.M. February 24^th,

Another day gone by and what has it brought? Of happiness, none. Of content, a great deal. Of unrest and nervousness, a great deal, but no more than should be expected; I glory in it. Of egotism, more and a discovery of the psychic force which cause it. Of the hatred possible in mankind, a demonstration from a certain man. Of the parasites of humanity, a man exposed whom his partner trusted. Of the sins of the world, a tale of the sea and one of truth which would make the pirates of old blush with shame. Of the imagination of man, an experiment which I would like to try but will not and which limits the usefulness of woman. Of a love which I will never know, Ditto’s baby girl. Of God, perhaps a little closer. Of death, it is best for me. Of desire, only my little sweetheart. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”

“9:30 P.M. February 25^th,

It is early for me to be writing and I am tired and must soon be in bed. Just woke up; have been taking a nap since about 7:30. I do not feel so very well and I ate too much supper. Odd for me to be writing of such things. I seldom notice such small physical disturbances anymore. My thoughts have been roaming all day. Could not concentrate on any one thing. My mind is weaker I know. Perhaps it is already gone and my actions are controlled by a certain force of mechanical precision which has been derived from living day by day or perhaps something else. At least I am content that it is so. The unrest or nervousness is just like a great anxiety which ceases when anticipation turns to realization. Dear little sweetheart! Tonight a thousand times more precious than ever before. 9:45 P.M. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“11:35 P.M. February 26^th,

I am sitting by the fire again and it is Saturday night. What a different Sat. night to what it might have been. If she were here our hearts would be so glad that tomorrow we could be together all day and play or visit as we wished. But now, I am here and she has passed to the great unknown and I can only go and place flowers on her grave and wipe my tears away. Why must there be life when it is so hard to live. It is indeed a problem. Our living must necessarily be physical and to attain the highest reward of spiritual living one must ignore the physical being. The result of mind conquering the body is terrible to think of, in so far as physical punishment is concerned. Death is a solution. 12:00 M. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

“11:25 February 27^th,

I can write very little tonight. Found some violets for her today, just a teeny bunch but violets are very sweet and delicate, just like my little sweetheart always was. I am just a ship without a rudder in the storm of life. God knows I want to believe in Him but it is so hard to find any comfort when doubt exists. Perhaps he will show me why I must suffer so. Three months I have had no desire for life and yet I live. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:40 P.M.”

“9:20 P.M. February 28^th,

This is written early as I am leaving at 11:00 for Austin and where will I be another 24 hours, on the way back home perhaps. My thoughts today have been unworthy of any description so I shall not attempt to write much tonight tho I could write a great deal. The only consolation of life today seems to be a very deep feeling that all will be well some day. How I’d love to see my sweetheart tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya 9:30 P.M.”