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October 25^th, 2024.

For those of us who have gone through the depths of grief by loosing a loved one, this diary is dedicated to you.

I find it so amazing this world of reading “other people’s diaries”. I’ve not only learned so much about others and history but it’s allowed me to learn so much more about myself. When you write in a diary and then look upon it years later, wow, how different life is, so much has changed; be it good or bad. For me, in this case, it’s good, very good.

My entry right below this is from 13 years ago, written in 2011, three years after my husband’s death. It’s the introduction that I wrote from when I first cataloged this 1927 grief diary. As I read it today, I got tears in my eyes realizing how broken I was. But it also made me realize how my life has changed and the healing that has taken place since the sudden death of my husband in 2008. After Kevin died I didn’t date for 10 years as I focused on my work, my family and my healing. I moved from our home in Oregon to Washington state where my son and his family live. In the 2011 entry below I talk about having one grandchild and now I have 5. Then in 2019 I met another love of my life, Jeff. He has been one of the greatest blessings I could ever imagine. And he’s also my podcast partner!!! (Just had to throw that in).

Here’s my entry from 2011. I want to share it here before I share John’s entries to give you an idea of where I was and where I am today……

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Summer of 2011

Deciding whether to list this man’s diaries was a bit of a challenge to me. Since I’ve been reading “other peoples” diaries for so long now I feel like I have some sort of kinship with them, as goofy as that sounds. This particular diary is much more then that for me.

About three years ago my husband of 14 years was killed in a construction accident. We were soul mates, best friends, and all that two people could be for each other. Before his death I was in a state of contentment beyond anything I could ever imagine. I always referred to him as my “medicine” or my “cure” as he brought me out of a life of great trials and into one of great peace. When he died, I thought I died too and still believe part of me has. Even now as I share this with you, tears fill my eyes thinking about the life I had compared to the life I have. I am blessed with 4 amazing, and I must say that again, amazing children and their spouses. I am also blessed with my first grandchild and have a wonderful supportive family and some incredible friends who have been with me through it all, but my husband is still gone. The greatest part of my life is that I have a relationship with the Lord and He has been my foundation when my world was crumbing. He continues to be my foundation. I say all this because the diary I’m about to share with you gets as deep and as raw as anything I’ve ever read but because of my own grief I could relate to his entries.

His name is John and he is only 32 years old when keeping this diary. He married his precious wife in 1919 and I believe he met her in France during WWI. The group photo you see above was with the diary. All the names are listed on the back of this photo except for one and I believe that could be John. If so it would be the man sitting down with his arms folded, in the center.

After the war they eventually moved to Texas and in 1926 she died while pregnant or giving birth to their first child and the child also died; although there is a bit of vagueness where that is concerned. When this diary first begins he is in the terrible intense grips of grief as she passed away only 1 month earlier. If that wasn’t tough enough his own precious widowed sister, Cova, and her daughter Bethine, are living with him.

As I said before, this diary is not for the faint at heart. His writing is as extreme as his grief and he has a simply amazing way of putting those feelings down on paper. As I read the diary I kept saying to myself, “I know how you feel” or “I felt that way too”, and although not everything he’s experiencing was exactly what I felt, it sure made me realized that the death of a loved one pierces the very soul and leaves one feeling so vulnerable, alone and at times feeling as though you’re going crazy. At least that is how I felt. Thankfully, I have two other diaries of John’s, 1930 and 1931 and he does get better, as I have. Not ever the same, but better then that “first year”.

I really had to say all of this because you will see when you read his excerpts how totally stricken he is and if some of his words ring true because you’ve also loved and lost or if you know of someone who has or is going through the grief process, then I believe in some way great or small, it will help. I believe John’s own experience’s expressed through his own written words really show us how very difficult (and that’s putting it lightly) the process can be, but that we can and will survive. If you would have told me that during my first year I probably wouldn’t have believed you. But here I am, writing about it, sharing it and living it.

He ends every passage with the words “Ilya toyed skuisya” and I have no idea what it means. I tried looking it up on my translation site and I found one of the words which was Skuisya and that is Russian for “be sad.” He does explain a little about the phrase on one of the days but I’ll leave that for later. I also had a woman email me about the saying and she wrote this…

“I’ve been thinking about it all day and I think I’ve finally figured out what “Ilya toyed skuisya” means. It’s a French expression that’s written phonetically. “C’est tout ce que j’ai”. Translated it means “That’s all I’ve got.” Not sure exactly what the saying means but this might help.

It’s a bit ironic too because his first diary is from 1927 and the other two are 1930 & 31, historically the years of the Great Depression. Great depression is an understatement when it comes to the death of his beloved sweetheart. Needless to say my heart really went out to this young man and I believe yours will too. So grab a cup of coffee and some Kleenex and sit back and experience life through the eyes of John, a very young widower.

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Well, we’re back in 2024.

I will be sharing John’s diary in 12 episodes, one for each month of the year. When I first cataloged and transcribed John’s diary in 2011, I also put my thoughts in (here and there) between some of his entries. I’m going to leave those in, as I felt there was a sort of “kindred spirit in grief” with John and I and my thoughts at the time somewhat express that. John’s entries will be in bold, to make it easier if you choose to skip over my comments and go straight to John’s entries. Also a good thing to note, notice how in the beginning of every entry he puts the time he starts writing and then at the end, the time he stops. I was always so amazed at how little time it took him to write such deep and brilliant entries. It just seemed to flow out of him.

Finally, I say all of this to show you how deeply one can feel grief, yet, with time, there is healing. And again, John also found healing. I will share his 1978 obituary with you at the end of this series but for now, meet 32 year old John Sanford Gee…..

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“10:15 P.M. January 1^st,

A new year. How long it will be! The days are long, the nights are long but the year will be an eternity. In all sincerity nothing would be sweeter to me than to be called by Him to be with my sweetheart. I can only ask that He call me soon. My heart is broken and I can see nothing to fill that great emptiness. Each day seems harder than the one before. I thank God for his kindness to me this evening. Temptation has faded away and a quiet peace has come into my soul, for her sake I shall always try to keep it so. Cova and Bethine will be here tomorrow. God bless them for coming! Worked all day on the Jean Laffite Hotel estimate. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“10:10 P.M. January 2^nd,

Cova and Bethine came this morning. So sweet of them to do all this for me. I hope they will like Dallas. I shall try to help make them happy. Their train was an hour late and as I watched the many greetings of those who had been away during the holidays I could hardly keep the tears back. How it made my heart ache. And while waiting I thought how happy I would be if I could only take a train to join my sweetheart. It is odd that I would think of such unreasonable things. We all drove over to Pat’s at Ft. Worth. Did not get there in time for church and to visit Greenwood Cemetery (where his wife is buried) before but was there this afternoon. I want to go every Sunday as long as I can. Cova and Bethine stayed with Pat tonight. I come home by myself. I seem very tired tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:35 P.M.”

“January 3^rd,

This is written at the office the morning of the 4^th. Cova and I talked last night until late and I could not write afterwards. She told me many things that I did not know, all of which make life harder to understand. It seems to me the world is all in a ghastly whirl of people who look upon each other enviously and are not content. Worldly things mean nothing to me and why people will strive against each other I do not know. I must be out of place here and should be on some other sphere of the universe. My niece will start to school tomorrow. I hope she will like it here. Mr. Marlay and Mr. Wohlfeld are in Houston. Bids go in today on the Edinburg Station. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“January 4^th,

This is written at noon on the 5^th. Helped my Cova unpack some boxes and trunks last night and was tired and nervous. Had a very sweet letter from Mother Dale; Oh! How I wish I could do something for her and daddy. Perhaps God will let me before long; I wish it so. Cova showed me some pictures of all our family, brothers, sisters, etc., but it seemed I could not show only a casual interest in all the dear ones; their joys and sorrows. My little sweetheart and I were always sufficient unto each other, which is, perhaps, somewhat selfish, but we were happy. Now I am all by myself in my thoughts, no matter who is with me, it will ever be the same. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“8:00 P.M. January 5^th,

As I am very very tired tonight I am writing this much earlier than usual and shall retire before very long. Repaired a puncture in one of my tires this evening and the exertion has left me rather weak. Mentally, I feel very much as ease. This morning as I walked to the street car line I thought how nice it would be if it were only warm weather so I could slip out at night and on some high hill make my blanket roll and sleep beneath the stars, those far away and peaceful little twinkling works of God which man knows so little about. I will do that sometime next summer if I am here. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

9:30 P.M. January 6^th,

Physically I am feeling entirely too good and I have been very restless this evening as a result. Last night when I came home feeling bad, after lying down for a short time, I felt so peaceful and thought of all the sweet things of life, but tonight my thoughts are black and bitter. I am sorry for it. Last night I thought of death and wondered how it would come to me. I desire nothing further in the world, and my only fear is that its temptations may be more than I can resist for long. God knows I have sinned. I only ask for his forgiveness that I may be with my little sweetheart again. Such a world! She has made the supreme sacrifice and never swerved from her love and thoughtfulness of others. And me! God have mercy on my soul! Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:50 P.M.”

10:25 P.M. January 7^th,

Only seven days gone! And this one has been especially hard. I am feeling very good physically and eating with a relish, but so very tired. I do not like it. I would rather something was wrong with me……..If I must live I know what I would like to do, Ah! It might bring some peace and contentment to my life. I shall try it some day, but now I have other things to think of that would make her proud of me. God grant that it may be and she shall help me. I read a few chapters of the Bible last night. I shall read it more. I am anxious for Sunday to come so I can go to Ft. Worth. We were awarded contract for building the Jean Laffite Hotel at Galveston. I am glad. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

“10:05 P.M. January 8^th,

Tomorrow I shall be in Ft. Worth, want to be there by 10:00 A.M. I must hasten to her. This morning as I sat in front of the fire dressing and I realized what a coward I am. To think that she begged me many time in those last few days “Daddy, don’t leave me,” and I was not by her side to the end. Oh! God! Can she ever forgive me? Can He ever forgive me? Those precious moments and I threw them away like so much chaff. An immaculate conception and her reward is Heaven. What chance have I of entering into His kingdom if such a sacrifice must be made? I know of no way unless He shall provide. Saw one of my mother’s letters to father before they were married in 1870. How sweet and good it was. What a shock it would be to her to see the world of today. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:15 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

I want to add a little something here. One of the things I noticed, actually two things, is that all throughout the diary John talks about being emotionally, spiritually and physically drained. I was shocked at how much energy this grief thing took out of me, and still does. But that first year I was exhausted in every way one could be exhausted. Too much for the mind to handle and therefore the rest of the body seems to suffer. The second thing is that he is and continues to talk about death and wanting to be with her. I remember that the only place I wanted to be was with my precious husband. At that time I heard an interview with a woman talking about the loss of her husband and two children in a car accident recently. She said that during the first year especially, she no longer feared death because that is where her family was; life is what she feared. But, I am here for a reason and my husband would only want me to use these precious moments to make him proud, and so I go on…..

“11:20 P.M. January 9^th,

Reached Ft. Worth at 10:30 this morning. Left Pat’s intending to go to church and then to Lillian’s but had some car trouble and did not get down town in time for church. Was beside her grave for nearly an hour, and then this afternoon after lunch I slipped away and was there for another half hour or so. I just can’t believe that she is gone. Oh! God! Why can’t I die! It must be that I am such a sinner. I shall live long and suffer much. How sweet it would be if I could only see her in my dreams but I am even denied that. Dear Father in Heaven, if this must be my punishment, I ask that you give me strength and guidance to see the light. If my reward may be to be with her again I shall ever try to do right even tho my heart is bitter. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

“10:05 P.M. January 10^th,

I am sitting by the fire just like we used to sit and dream and plan. I am very tired; have been sleeping since dinner was over; must be for nearly two hours and a half. I have felt so strange and restless all day; could not seem to concentrate on anything. Hope I am not losing my mind as that would be terrible. I shall go to bed very soon and as I kneel to pray for His forgiveness I shall ask Him to let me see my sweetheart in my dreams; how sweet that would be! A letter from Ethel today; she is such a dear girl. May God bring her happiness after her great sorrow. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

“10:00 P.M. January 11^th,

I have felt too good today; have been busy at the office and was able to accomplish something. Am glad that I can work hard but feeling well is discouraging, for when I feel bad I think that surely I may get to see my sweetheart soon and that is all I desire. It seems I must live on; it would be so much sweeter to join her now while our lives are so closely linked together. I dread to think that all the years to come are bound to erase from my memory some of the sweetest times of our lives together. I do not want it so but in order to live I must dwell in the present. I shall always live in the past and my days from now on will only be as I imagine they should have been, no matter how many they may be. I want to see her in my dreams! Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:15 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

Another note from me. January 11^th was one of the entries that really touched my heart in a deep way. It was definitely something I worried about and still do in a sense. I worried that as time passed on I would forget those precious times I had with my husband but I can assure you; his voice, his actions, his stories, his humor, his shear presence is still with me and I know it always will be. Hopefully there can be some comfort in that to anyone out there who needs it. As John would say, “In order to live I must dwell in the present.”

“9:30 P.M. January 12^th,

So many things in life I cannot understand and one that worries me most now is why I am even denied to see my sweetheart in my dreams. Such pleasure it would bring just to see her dear face again. If I must live on, life would be so much sweeter here if she were with me each night; if only in dreamland. I am feeling so well and strong. I have no hope now of joining her soon. She would want me to be happy here, and I hope I shall not become a cross and grouchy old man. I ask God to take the bitterness out of my heart each night. It is so hard to believe and yet I want to-but I loved her so! Have been busy at the office today, am thankful for that. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:50 P.M.”

“11:25 P.M. January 13^th,

Went to bed about 11:00 last night; the wind was blowing and it was raining hard. Just the kind of a night she use to hug up close to me and say “Daddy, don’t let the wind blow me away.” I seemed so peaceful and went to sleep with a fond anticipation in my heart that surely I will see her in my dreams tonight but I did not and this morning as I dressed I had that terrible bitterness in my heart again. Oh, God! Forgive me and give me strength to keep my life as she would want it. It must be that I am unworthy to even be in her presence now or else I could dream of her. Cova and Bethine are so kind and sweet. I would go crazy I fear without them, but I want to see my sweetheart. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

“11:00 P.M. January 14^th,

A thought came to me today which has run though my mind until I am very much befuddled. As a young man when the joys of life were not so plentiful, I often consoled myself with the thought that the “joy of anticipation is greater than the completed desire.” Does it mean that I shall live with fond hopes of being with her again, and then, when I die just be swallowed by the earth? Those words may be true of some things of life, but were not true of our life together for our joys were greater than I ever dreamed they could be-and yet this sorrow I must bear, was not in my dreams. I cannot stand the strain of such racking on my brain for long, I fear, unless I could see her dear face just for a fleeting moment in my dreams and then I could have hope of seeing her again. I beg His forgiveness. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:30 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

He speaks often of wanting to see her in his dreams. I was torn when I dreamt of my husband. When I did, and in the three years that he’s been gone I’ve probably only dreamed of him 10 times, it was a mixed blessing. On one hand I felt so incredible during the dream because I felt his presence in such a deep way and on the other hand, I had to wake up. The dreams I’ve had have also be very profound. While dreaming my mind knew he was gone and had died but he was always there trying to comfort me and yet still saying to me “Be strong Sally, you knew this had to happen.” Way too deep of a thought right now for me to express more.

The next passage I will be posting, his January 15th entry, is perhaps the one that got to me the most. It could stand alone as far as diary entries go. It was one that after reading I had to put the diary down for the day as my heart was aching for this young man….and myself….

“11:20 P.M. January 15^th,

I use to think my cup of contentment would be full to overflowing when I had my sweetheart, a little car and a baby all our own. I was happy with her and life was sweet for us both. When we got the little car it was an added joy and then we planned so much. For her it was always a tiny red haired daughter and for me I had no choice only that I wanted the little one to be a pride to her mother’s heart. Now I have only the little car and each Sunday it carries me to her grave. May God speed the day when I shall not have to leave that spot. As I came home this evening an areoplane passed overhead and I had a longing to be in it as I have always had. Tonight I wished I had a powerful plane, could point its nose heavenward and lock the control, then drop the key to earth. Foolishness! For it would only be suicide…… Tomorrow is Sunday and I am anxious for it to come. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:57 P.M.”

“12:10 P.M. January 16^th,

I am tired but happy as it is possible for me to be anymore, until, of course, her dream face comes to me. I shall live in anticipation of that. We were at Jim and Lorene’s for dinner tonight. They are all so kind to me and I do not deserve it. I am very poor company for anyone now and I must not dampen their joy of living. I must go to Ft. Worth on Sundays, tho, but I must slip back home sometimes and not be always imposing on them. Took some roses to her today and I was glad but it is so little. Slept until 9:30 this morning and did not feel good when I got up. I am getting older every day, so some day I shall be with her again, perhaps it won’t seem so long. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:30 P.M.”

“10:05 P.M. January 17^th,

Such a day as this has been! Christ said after the flood “the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his mouth” and mine must be a thousand-fold worse. Such torture to endure. If I could only get so sick I could no longer walk I should be happy, for then I could pass on without desecrating her sweet memory but it is very hard to live as He says I must when I am a healthy man and not a saint, and the world is at such a reckless stage of living. Sometimes it seems useless; I know the sins of others that are greater than mine and they are living and happy. I ask for his guidance and understanding. Can I be more humble? Is it wrong to ask for death? My sweetheart, come to me tonight! I cannot come to you. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:20 P.M.”

“11:55 P.M. January 18^th,

If memories were the only requisite of life, how happy I could be. The very principles upon which life and posterity are founded cannot be denied with the expectation of continued living and remaining in what was meant as man’s natural state. The result would be a neurotic disposition which might, eventually, lead to insanity. I do not want to lose my mine. I am only seeking some way to continue living sane, if I must live. I do not believe a man ever dies of a broken heart; I should have been dead ere this. I have longed for death, and do now, but longing does no good. I shall live on and when I die I will probably go to Hell. There seems nothing else possible. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:20 A.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

When I read these entries I get the feeling that they might be too deep and I think about not writing them up here. But, I remember very clearly, especially during the first and second year after my husband’s death, the depth of grief was way beyond what I could ever imagine and way beyond what I felt I could bear. In the bible in the 23^rd Psalm when it says “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,” I now know what that valley feels like, as John does, as many of you do. But the bible verse does go on….. “I will fear no evil; for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me….” My heart goes out deeply to any of you who have or are walking in that valley right now….

“January 19^th,

This is written at 7:30 A.M. the morning of the 20^th. Felt badly most all day yesterday and went to bed early. I did not find any peace in feeling ill as I usually do and it made me very bitter and nervous. I should be thankful to Him that I do not die for He would never permit me in His Realm when my belief is so small. I wish something could help and keep such evil thoughts away. Ilya toyed skuisya.”

“10:15 P.M. January 20^th,

Just come from the office where I have been copying some old stories. It will probably mean nothing but at least I am busy and that is something. Do not know what has come over me today. Just another of those things. I cannot understand. Have felt very good all day; been busy, almost jolly at times and felt as tho I could live on once more. I do not like it for it only means that I am forgetting her. My God! What an awful thing. And my sins will grow as the days go by and when I am called I shall be unfit to enter into her presence. Surely ere the last page of this book is filled I shall be with her, if God is willing. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

“10:45 P.M. January 21^st,

Some day perhaps I shall not write herein; my conscience would not permit it…My only chance will be if God will offset my bad deeds by my good ones and that is doubtful even then some say it is as wrong to think evil as to do evil and I guess it is true so my sins are mounting faster than my good deeds. I seem powerless to prevent it so what am I to do? Shall I become a recluse? People say they are crazy. Oh, God! Why can’t I die? Ilya toyed skuisya 11:05 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

I have to say that in my own experience, I felt like I was going crazy with the thoughts that were in my head after my husband died. Not that it makes any difference, but his death was so quick as he was killed in a construction accident, that my mind instantly went to a place of mass confusion. Again it’s almost unbearable having to cope with this kind of pain and suffering as one does with the loss of a loved one. I knew then and I know now more then ever that God looks past all that craziness in our minds, goes straight to the deepest part of our hearts and souls, and takes it from there. He knows exactly what we are going through with every single situation, past and present. I often thought the things I thought, did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, made a difference in how God viewed me. I am so glad we serve a bigger God then that. Nothing we can say or do can make Him love us more and nothing we can say or do can make Him love us less. Hope you don’t mind my mental blurbs; guess I just need to get this all out as John’s entries bring so much to the surface for me……

“11:20 P.M. January 22^nd,

It is said a true confession is good for the soul. I do not know if I have a soul anymore. I am convinced of nothing. I do not know why I am here. I read the bible. It has brought me no peace. I cannot understand it. I read the 116^th Psalm, which was my mother’s choice to be read at her bier and in it I found no peace. To what shall I turn? I have evil thoughts. I am not kind and loving to my sister and my niece. I have only one God, my little sweetheart who can no longer help me. I have many sins and my friends think I am a saint. But greatest of all I doubt there is a God. I shall probably die and never see my sweetheart again but I am writing the truth. What more can I do? It is cold and freezing, the rain as it falls tonight and tomorrow will be bad but I must go to her grave some way. Surely she will comfort me. Oh! How she would love her poor Daddy if she were here. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:45 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

Well, I’m crying as I write this. When I first read John’s diary I was going through it at a fast pace in order for me to start my blog. Now today as I write down this entry, January 22^nd, and see that he referenced Psalm 116, I’m in a bit of a shock. My husband was killed on his job site about noon and that morning before the accident my sister was doing her daily bible devotions and it happened to be Psalm 116. When she got to verse 15 in this Psalm, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants” she began to weep not even knowing why. Only a few hours later I called her to tell her about my husband’s death. She didn’t tell me about that morning devotion until we were on the way home from the hospital where they had taken him. I told her I needed to read that Psalm as soon as I got home. And believe me at this point in my life, only hours after the death of my precious husband, I was a basket case to say the least and was searching for anything to take away the unspeakable pain. When we got home and I opened my bible to Psalm 116, beside that very verse, verse 15, I had written this phrase several years earlier… “His loved ones are very precious to Him and He does not lightly let them die.” It was God talking to me, when I needed it the most……

Psalm 116

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“LORD, save me!”

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

I trusted in the LORD when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”

What shall I return to the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his faithful servants.
Truly I am your servant, LORD;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD.

(Now this is me, written today, October 25^th, 2024)

I have to tell you another story about this bible verse. My daughter and her boyfriend took a trip to England a few months ago, early 2024. They were at an antique fair in a little English country village and found me a present. It was an autograph album from the 1830’s and she had no idea what this album contained until we opened it up together when she returned home. There on one of the pages I found a beautiful little handwritten memorial tribute with this very verse, Psalm 116:15, written at the top. But, there’s more, you can see in the photo below the date, September 4, 1836. Well, September 4^th, 2008 is when my husband died, 172 years after this was written. Another precious gift from the Lord sent to me through my daughter.

“10:10 P.M. January 23rd,

I must be a terrible sinner as I can find no peace for long anymore. I was by her grave today. A rainy trip, but I hope the Sunday does not come when I cannot go there. And there by her side I have vowed that she is my God. I cannot believe in Him who everyone else does (I could not write that without a slight hesitation and wonder if He would not smite me down) and so as she has lived must I continue. Tonight as my niece played on the piano I closed my eyes and looked for the unseen and there were many faces I did not know and then that sweetest of all else in any kingdom appeared for an instant and tears of joy streamed down my cheeks. If I can only see her again tonight I shall be so happy. Something must happen to me soon I believe. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:30 P.M.”

“10:00 P.M. January 24th,

No, I did not see her in my dreams last night but I have hopes and at least have that to live for. Life has seemed very ordinary today. I have had no special emotions that I seemed to have been able to control, if only each day could be as easy. I heard some more “worldly wisdom” today, which, I admit is true but hard to believe. I shall never be more in this world than the common herd as we are called, but that matters not to me, all that matters is my vow to her. Those who may some day read these lines after I am gone will say that I am crazy, perhaps I am. And they will wonder if such a person can go to Heaven. I do not know. I only know this that I want to be with my sweetheart again! Ilya toyed skuisya 10:15 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2024)

How very profound when he says in the above entry, “Those who may some day read these lines after I am gone will say that I am crazy, perhaps I am.” For me John, that couldn’t be further from the truth. You are wise, brave, and a help to so many. If you only knew.

“11:05 P.M. January 25th,

Nothing unusual in the happenings of the day. I have tried to keep busy and thus keep my mind occupied so there will be no room for the things which I do not like to get the upper hand. I shall seek an explanation of the 21 verse of the 8th (Genesis) chapter in which the Lord says the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth. I do not doubt this. What I cannot understand is what was meant by it in the way of teaching to mankind. Did the Lord realize the futility of cleansing the soul of man? Does it mean that I have been punished because of this? I am very much perplexed…..and now my sweetheart is gone! Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:45 P.M.”

“11:05 P.M. January 26th,

Did not retire last night until 12:00 and I was restless and could not go to sleep. I should have gone to sleep as I was busy all day and had not time for my thoughts to wander and turn to my problem of living. Why am I here and what I shall do, and shall not do. The evil thoughts which cause remorse when I try to sleep were absent all day and yet I was restless and cried. I guess I am just a baby. Ditta’s are planning and doing so much for their little one who is soon to come and I hope it will be a great happiness to them. Oh! How it makes my heart ache to think that some of this could have been ours. Think of me what you may and condemn me to the depths of hell, yet I shall never believe God has been fair to her and I cannot get that bitterness out of my heart. If He would only take me now, I might go to be with her. Ilya toyed skuisya 11:25 P.M.”

“10:45 P.M. January 27th,

I am feeling well. Do not tire, tho I try to keep busy all my waking hours. I read until late at night, because I do not like to go to bed. No one to urge me anymore, “Hurry Daddy! The sheets are cold.” No one to love me and urge me on to greater efforts when the events of a day seem discouraging. I have no disappointments in life now, unless that life itself is a disappointment. To live one must have something to live for, some desire. I have nothing to live for and yet I am here. I ponder over all things in my past life and it seems everything I have ever done was wrong. I blame no one, not even myself as I have tried to do what I thought was right. I could not do more. And now I do not know what to do, if I do what I think is right it will probably be wrong. I only desire one thing, my sweetheart. I can only live as she would want me to. Two months ago today. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

One thing that really kept me going during the deepest part of my grief was that I wanted to make my husband proud and as John said, “I can only live as she (he) would want me to.”

“10:45 P.M. January 28th,

Have been busy today starting to move our offices from Kirby to Construction Industries Building. That will be a change in my life. I wonder what will be the next? I must be left alone in this world for some purpose, that purpose could only be something very high and noble else I should be dead. To be sweet and noble one must be close to God, and I am far away. I read his word and cannot understand. I went to hear his teachers as they are today and they only added to my bitterness. There must be something of a devil in me. I do not seem to respond to any known practice of consolation. I like to read Victor Hugo’s writing; some of it I must study before it is quite clear but I always find an answer or a reason for his words. I regret that I cannot speak my feelings of love and thank fullness to Cova and Bethine but my lips seem almost sealed. My little sweetheart, when will I see you again? Ilya toyed skuisya 11:15 P.M.”

“12:05 P.M. January 29th,

Tonight as I prepared for my bath a thought came to me of what I would like to write a story about and as the various events of which it was to be come into my mind it lead me on to a beautiful climax, to immortalize my little sweetheart. It can be done and now I have found something to live for. I cannot start writing it right now but I shall devote much time to it soon. And she will help me. It will be sweet and wonderful just as she always was and we shall live over again those days of a precious love. Tomorrow I shall be by her grave and she will give me strength. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:25 P.M.”

(Written by me in 2011)

If John only knew how true those words of his are about writing his story. His diary entries are his final story and I feel blessed and privileged to read and share them.

“11:25 P.M. January 30th,

It is getting late and I am tired. Took some roses to her grave today and was there quite a while and did not cry. I do not know why. I guess she is trying hard to dry my tears. I suppose I must live on and do the best I can. Such emotions as I have. I never knew the meaning of that word before. Last night I was so greatly inspired and could have risen to the demands of any occasion, but tonight I feel almost helpless. She will help me through. Such a world; the Jean Valjeans of today are punished as of old, yet he who takes his brother’s life is free and boasts of his victory over mankind and presumes to teach the word of God. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:40 P.M.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Valjean

“8:25 P.M. January 31st,

I am writing early as I shall retire early. I do not feel bad and yet I do not feel good. A more dejected feeling could not be described. Have been working at top speed all day. Always it is rush, rush, thru life. There is no time for anything anymore. Even I shall fail because I seem to realize I shall not remain living long enough to finish the only thing I want to do and so time is valuable. Oh! For the peace and solitude of the mountains where life among the wild creatures of His making is natural and as He made them, not artificial or addicted to the whims of fashion or custom. Even the writings of Victor Hugo are uninteresting to me tonight. What will the morrow bring and thus January passes. 8:45 P.M. Ilya toyed skuisya.”